Where it began.

2010-04-29T23:18:00.003+08:00

Do you people still read my blog? Are you people eager for updates? Hah, okey then no. Shall delete.

2010-03-16T20:52:00.003+08:00

Cute is when a person's personality
shines through their looks.
Like in the way they walk,
every time you see them
you just want to run up & hug them.

S: And you allowed him to let you go?
B: Yeah, guess it's the best thing I can do for the both of us.
S: But why?
B: Because S, he's happier that way.

I played with the shadows against my ceiling as the cars drove past the city lights. But nothing amuse me. An hour, three, sixteen hours. Nothing that happened for the nights ahead, smells as good as my raspberry timbra.

Yeah he deserve a break from the nonsense that I've caused. So do I. Let's just observe what happens next, see if there's a second sequel. However, quit hoping. (Damn I really thought this was real as it sounds.)

2009-12-22T11:29:00.005+08:00

Falling in love
should be like
polaroids.
(Instant.)

I think I need another story. Something that would either keep my readers ponder, or cracked, or shattered with the absurdity these illusions offered. Something hellacious that tangle all the emotions you can think of in a confused ball. This whole thing is nothing new, life is out of surprises. Tired of all the insincere, and little secrets we guard from fear. Maybe Santa saved them all for Christmas so that he can blow them off my face till my lips turn green. Couldn't at least one chapter of this follow the exact routine from Cinderella Story? I need a gorgeous dude to smile at me while I grab my books from my locker in the hallway, then turns away making me ponder if that smile meant something his lips wouldn't want to say. Holy, fireworks.

Did I asked too much? Maybe I am just not capable of making decisions, or reading what's really written. My mind is overload. I like the way you made your way in, but I resisted. Now I'm losing grip and I don't know what's happening. I couldn't possibly tie you up in a tree in my backyard just to make sure you're never gonna turn your back against me and walk away. But whatever lies ahead of me, us, is just destined to be that way.

This boy I know came running up to me and comment on my glorious curls. So we chat a little and enjoyed our evening dance. One instant second you robbed me from the world, felt this sense of beautified diversity. How fickle my senses are, the heart took control of my mind. What I felt worth, is about to ruin a special union between two. Now the crowd has spoken, the meanest person would be someone who knows she's a scandal, but still plays along with it. Let astrology do the magic, maybe slowly the darkness light up the truth to guide me if this half piece, matches the other. When the sky breaks away and the cold atmosphere rolled in, we face the tragedy of the night. Maybe I can stay with you if you don't stray away. Although the seasons ever changing, maybe if you allow me, we can figure this out we can pull it through. But this is all up to you.

Or we have another way. Keep cramming the mischieves into our individual novels. At least we can laugh about it after we start another season of this series. Meanwhile, should I pretend I don't wish to know what's it left for us? Hey Javonte, do you have any intentions to make this simpler?

2009-12-16T17:22:00.005+08:00

I don't know why we all hang onto something we know were better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we don't even really have. Some of us say we'd rather have that then nothing at all, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.

I know for a reason that it rained with purpose. This couldn't pass as the most romantic movie considering rain brought us to a petrol gas station instead of the beach. In the midst of doubt, your child laughter still felt alive. It's about the way you hold me when I said I felt cold. Maybe it's more about you defying a perky Nooo when I beg to hide the hideous bite on your neck. And all about you putting my hair back neat into place when I whine that your helmet messes it up. Your face changed within a distinct moment, gleaming radiantly under the street lights. A sudden intense sense engulfed my soul each time a smile grimaced on your lips while your eyes lingered on every detail of my face. This created a similar effect of phenylethylamine. But at the end of the day, one fact that I have been holding back, make me ponder if this is worth to be selfish for. I wouldn't want to be a similar sinner, taking something from someone else that had came earlier to play his game. Hey sinner, so who's on your mind now and will be on your mind tonight?

Don't make me steal the sparks from your eyes, and let you watch me burn.

For some odd possibilities, I've tripped over someone by accidental. One reason I became fascinated was his ability to reignite the glint that once died, and has ceased to exist. But when the glint starts to flicker, I really gained all the strength that I need to stand up for good. Baby you don't have to look for a space on the roof above the attic with intention to catch a meteor. As much as I appreciate your presence since 28 days ago, my companionship will glow with surprises like meteor showers.

2009-12-04T23:25:00.006+08:00

When we cascade upon silly things together this season, our faces lit up and created smiles that outshines Seattle's city lights. Wrap me up in artificial happiness, relinquishing my attempts to excogitate the similarities this holds with Bloodroots.

Ephemeral companion? Call me back in Summer to see what the world has proven.

2009-11-23T11:37:00.004+08:00

It's time for something new, something from the heart and captivating to my ear.
We can sing the songs of yesterday or come alive with everything we have inside.
It's going to take more than your heartache to change the world in one note.

I spent too much time wondering, gathering back the precise feeling that almost brought me to surrender my soul, deceasing the ability to conduct actions with great fervor. A year later, which marks today's calendar, here I am gratifyingly satisfied that I assemble together every piece of my strength and courage to create a whole new picture. Still taking breath every subsequent moments, and being able to watch the playful acts of doves that are chained to the sky. True, I've ruined a beautiful piece once while I lost my sense of direction 365 days ago. Could not deny that I have the urge of picking up a very, very similar painting I tumbled upon on my way to school recently. Still, this current ain't a bad art either, but it could have been better, and more creative as we began to draw closer. For as long as the Sunbeams decide to hit on my skin every other mornings, it will remain this way, or finer. Before I reach the peak, I bet there are surprises stored for me. I know this is how life works after all. I just know. Someone have to light up the darkness, and who else will bother if it's not by oneself?

I tried to closely examine every theory that I toppled upon. This feared me most of the time, because at times I find myself trapped in a huge distangled maze. Different people built deviating hypothesis on their own. At times, they play around with my sanity that caused me to have second thoughts. Second thoughts, are not good signs. It is just one reach from being disarray.

Let's ponder. Can my fingers actually fit in? Do they deserve to fit in at all?

2009-11-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

Someone like you.

2009-11-05T19:44:00.002+08:00

I should have known this would come and go
And now we'll only get the afterglow
When summer fades to fall.

Like every other nights I find myself still awake, searching every angle within my brain for any possible reason for this unsettled mind. I feel that there's multifold things to be done in fixing this world. Everyday I wonder if I make a difference, or had I touched anyone's life just yet by being sincere, without any slight deterrence over anything. Or if I am slowly anesthetize by the putrefaction the world has to offer. Reaching the end of the night when the beams start to peep through, I'm smitten thinking about who I've met, and how obsessed I can be with Nicholas Sparks expressions. But the rest of the time I adore being me, and being full of myself.

I have a confession to make. The combination of words I chose at the start of the song is genuinely what my heart recites. Notice I couldn't finish this piece, because all of the sudden this heart did some victory laps that it ran out of words.

Pink cars. When we randomly address the sudden thought of pink cars, you can think of a pink Chevy like Barbie rides on. Depending on the time and place for coffee hour, I would probably think of a roseate Lambo. Freedom of thoughts. Circadian chances of picturing the same idea at the same time do not occur frequently, but what are the odds. I appeared to be decipherable, as though I am a book you happen to picked out from the library, when plenty of people feeds that I drove them nuts by trying to comprehend what's on my mind.

This is a wrong place to be at, but life, it's just moving forward. Still, I can choose where I wish to go from here.

2009-11-04T01:08:00.003+08:00

If this is what it takes for you to believe in you, seize all of it. Let that little symbol represent a metaphor of not only who you can be, but a reminder to the world about personal faith.

2009-10-31T17:50:00.002+08:00

Don’t you dare tell me nothing matters.
Everything matters.
Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight,
every wisp of cloud matters.

Each time we rise, we will definitely fall back once more. Go figure, it just another old boring repeatable cycle. If you have strong sense of divination, you would be able to handle life agonizing situations pretty well, never let the thought of suicide for an option even. Tragedies stench life pretty amazingly. We gathered all the kindred spirits that we can think of, as if they provide the best strength to battle. Then, at later point of life you turned back at what you've been through, they gave the every reason on why you are where you're at now. They remind you how worthy, how eloquent, how explicitly real your experiences are.

Secrets. I have secrets I never knew myself. Probably some part of me which I never knew existed, is bargaining to conceal them perfectly. But on the other hand, secrets are surprises. And surprises are really exhilarating.

The truth is..

2009-10-28T18:46:00.001+08:00

Central Tafe College, Perth Western Australia
Diploma In Mass Communication

I'll take it from here.

2009-10-26T19:56:00.004+08:00

And no one knows why I'm into you
Cause you'll never know what its like to walk in our shoes
And no one knows, the things we've been through
Can never measure up to half of what I put you through
That's why we'll break through.

Like I had ever mentioned, rainbows come into sight after a heavy down pour. Glazing up to admire the radiant features of the sky, it slowly introduced me to the seven vibrant colors that lined across the blank blue piece. Despite the incessant cold drizzles that penetrated through my bones, the inauguration seemed to brought the maximum satisfaction. On another note, every beginning has an ending. Endings are never beautiful. Meanwhile I will just play as much magical stardust Tinkerbell can naturally provide.

Inexplicable and cruel caprice of fate. Cigarettes inevitably behaved like an alter ego. What more Bacardi Martini. Clearly my mind was a miscellany of depressing songs and messed up emotions. This version of my own has twice drama as much as The Hills and 90210. Ironically, I'm living in a battlefield full of little kids pretending to know a lot about political issues. I suggest you to discard your ruse of charm against me, which for the record I have a huge problem with. I'll tell you one time, guess I needed your attention the least now. For now.

Meet me The Bitter End tonight, I'm probably tired of the club remix versions of my favourite songs. I am sick of the grinding and house music. I hear it constantly, at the drive way, in malls and even at the backseat of my boyfriend's car. If you'd take me out from the sedation of my pain, why not we start listening to country music? I miss the Oreo Cheese cakes and a story-telling of my life within a night. And the sincerest meaning to every word in the lyrics.

I wished I had chosen Malibu over California.

2009-10-22T21:53:00.004+08:00

What are we supposed to do
When right things go wrong
How are we gonna deal with the one
who left you lost and unfound

It's true that your famous lips were the reason. Don't matter, tortures and heartbreaks had become the tradition. Some people need to bleed to know they are still alive after consecutive nights of vodkas and first class drugs.

If they wish to keep on running and chasing, no one can ever stop them. We were once these small town kids, throwing gummy bears at each others' faces. Telling our grandfather's stories under the Seattle city lights. Give me another day, when out of the sudden they talk about California. Conceding that this soul lost its body, there's nothing much I can do to send the truth about California. California's a complete lie. Once you go over, the chances are you will never be throwing gummy bears again.

Notice the massive kilograms of weight right below this sighting instrument. Bobbi Brown's concealers do not work much to ease off this trouble. I have to be seen purposely hanging it for public to see, and leave them to comprehend about the causes. These do not, in any way, save me from the world. Or neither does it save the world from me. But at the very least, this is just a reminder that I am in the process of getting stronger.

One feet at her tip, I felt the rain touch the end of my nose. With the breeze following the beat of your heart, and collaborating with your every breathe, even butterflies exists at 1,063 feet tall above the ground. I'd pretend that I have majestically statuesque wide wings like an angel's, and spread it with grace. One, two, I fall from the denotation of Paris. Feeling the strength of gravity, at the other end comes by beautiful rescue.

There could be some way. How about a blade? A blade to poke through every sinner part of you and let you bleed out the devil. I wouldn't want to stay awake every night thinking about someone whose part devil, all the time.

IMLYISWBIGION,HFWYLO. This is the end of my script.

2009-10-16T15:31:00.006+08:00

When I met you girl my heart went knock knock
Now them butterflies in my stomach wont stop stop
And even though its a struggle love is all we got
And we gon’ keep keep climbing till the mountain top

There's many ways to start a story. Why does the introduction plays an important role for a novel? I had a positively impressing introduction, but I reckon it was the climax that result my favourite reader to throw me off the desk. An astonishing introductory doesn't promise the magnificence of the climax. But at times you just have to wait for it, you know. The ending can be a blast.

Here comes the most terrific chapter in this novel. Wrong, it’s not that I have fallen in love. What’s so terrific about this is that I made a few wrong turns in this journey lately. Everyone understood that in every case in life we would be stuck in a situation whereby we have to select one choice out of two options. Everywhere, wherever we go, God gives us two options. To, or not to. My mind and my heart got tangled up in a ball, and I think they are the most volatile organ in the human body. They withdraw to work with one another, or worst, refused to even function as an individual tool.

Each corner I turned too, it would be the darkly tenebrous empty creepy places. Like a rat, I smelled my way through against the wall, unknown about my destiny. In chills and shivers even a candle should suffice for now. But, who is there to depend on now?

Tika Sherra. She holds my life, and my future.

It’s incredible how the lyrics to every song make perfect sense whenever I blast it in my Ipod, and how there’s nothing wrong with it as we screamed out hearts out to the words when the dj spinned the record. One night, I thought through about the whole intention of the different tracks up in my playlist. They never even make half the sense in my life. These arias are not the full picture of a story. Most of the time, songs are lies, and singers are hypocrites. We are the losers that believed in the existence of phoenix and paragon, and eventually screwed ourselves.

I’ve got a story about Julian Brook. I thought he was nothing like this, maybe something slightly better at least. He’s a wonder probably, not much actually thought I was unworthy this way much. But out of the horrible situation I’m dragged into, I found gemstones – Sapphire, Lennix Emerald and Madeira Topaz.

World, I am more than this. Way more.

2009-10-11T16:30:00.001+08:00

Everyone's waiting for this.
And their own better version of Cinderella Story.
It's gonna be a good night.

2009-09-30T12:58:00.002+08:00

Don’t you dare tell me nothing matters.
Everything matters.
Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight,
and even every wisp of cloud matters.

To most people, words are just another toy in the world to play with. This toy, it is almost as though terrifically recommended for one to play it with another thing in the world that the player sees. For a day or two this two toys will do this rubbing effect of a stone to a stone, inducing a vivacity outcome, at which small little sparks will surface between ten centimetres square. As we go along the days the sparks start to gleam up, and kaboom. The exuberance reached to its peak and the sparks, this time turned into fireworks. But wait for it my dear friend. This isn't the end.

So do you want to wait for my another post before I reach to the end? I believe not. Humans are too anxious about silly things. Well, unlike fairytales, life stories do not have a happy ending. It always ends up with a broken heart.

The fireworks that blossomed across the sky, transformed into a fire ball. Ever heard of the fire ball that comes from outerspace and hit the Earth? Yes, that fire ball. Oh no, it blew up the toys and banish their existence. There you have it, the end. Backtracking to my previous note, life stories do not have a happy ending. It always ends up with a broken heart. But how true can the phrase 'If there's a will, there's a way' be? Noone can prove it unless you change this disastrous ending into a happier, simpler one. It's all about choices. There's still susceptible opportunity to alter and make a twist before it reaches the finishing end.

I've reached to the stage of this game whereby I can inevitably be the other toy to play in with. I can don't be, because there's another cheat code installed in my character to prevent it. The cheat code: Intelligence. We've just have to make full use of it. Otherwise, we are bound to be just another prey of a boring sad player, usually the one that mastered this game.

Even at twenty one, his wants contradicts to his need in every point of his life. For instance this moment, he can be on the phone with a cheerleader he calls sweetheart, texting another sexy model he saved her name as darling, webcamming with a President's daughter he declared his baby. While sleeping with a whore. I am very much grateful that I am certainly not the most messed up person in the world now!

Very often, I just do things that I do because it feels completely alright. Usually things that do not involve much tears during and after the event. Even though there's no apparent reason, even though it doesn't make any sense. Sometimes, I just thought it would be cuter if there's someone who would taste my cookies. Cookies that I over heated by ten minutes, and said other cookies wouldn't have tasted better :)

For all the time I'm chanced to, I will be absorbing the every quality that I see. I believe I have this other communicating service strength to talk with a soul from the galaxy. I've been inspired by Sirius, twice as strong as the next after him. It's all simple perhaps, I wanted the world to remember me the way I've always remembered Sirius.

Do you think this whole thing was silly?

2009-09-16T23:39:00.005+08:00

You stole tapes and a flashlight
on a summer night from my car.
I felt something in a lightning storm.
With heavy rain and thunder like melted storm.

You found me at the Merry Go Round. It wasn't just the 3 morning dew that moist my skin hours before dawn. I heard the record that never fall off your track list. This is where we feel alright. I know that we all got one thing that we all share together. We got that one nice dream we live for. This is the place we feel alright. Well, maybe back then. Back then when we do not have car keys in our pockets and the ability to sip martinis every two nights. Back then when we still had the chance to shape the world.

Look what have you done now. All of the sudden I could not even recognise the picture I have been drawing. Now I see the trees are anything other then green, the apples took over the shape of our feet and butterflies is just another pile of dunk.

When exactly we go from kids to people, I'm not certain. I do know that it’s not about turning a certain age or graduating from high school - it happens when you're not paying attention. We go from playing with our friends to playing with our friends feelings. Without our knowledge or consent, childhood slips away into the night and our innocence escapes us and we wake up one morning to find that we have become who we are.

I folded boxes and paper cranes out of the plenty of colorful pieces I gathered from the Art room. I placed them neatly in my side pockets to remind me of the importance of the small little things that glorify every dull days. Perhaps none of my assets holds the meaning of childhood innocence, things these days only admonish the prepodenance of wealth and the need of luxury in life. If Hannah Montana could fire war, she could probably fired a thousand of them when battling over the last pair of Jimmy Choo's Silver Snake Skin Heels Size Six with Tyra Banks. Have you wondered what are the probable consequences of paper boxes and paper cranes? That's why they're worth loving then your 3G Iphone.

I want to be known as just the little girl with dimples.

2009-08-26T13:01:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow is on its way
and there's plenty more songs to sing
Boy don't grieve about yesterday
You're worth much more than what you think.

Secrets, we can never fully understand the reasons on how or why things are the way it is. All the reasons link up to each other, at times brought about misconceptions. Evangeline firmed her shoulders as she slithered through the locker hallway. She kept her back stiff, her nose in the air. Once reached at her destined place, she sat and brought her arms together in a neat fold. Does this necessarily means that she's arrogant? Have you ever thought of why she could have been so defensive? Why would she portray such image to the world? For whatever there is, there's always reasons behind it. And most of the time, they should not be blamed for that. The world is far too confused to understand the shits. The people living here has nothing else to offer to the other, except their own confusion.

If someday the stars decide to fall down from the galaxy, I would only save one. Those young greedy kids would be seen catching one falling star to the next falling star at their sight. They run from one star to the other, and I bet they would end up tripping for being at their sixths and sevenths. And I'd be satisfied for Sirius, just that one individual star. For nothing in the vast galaxy can add up and produce such wonderful and powerful quality of brightness, just Sirius.

Eventually, we both would be sailing on separate individual yacht out at the open sea, in search for long-lasting happiness. We could have been true, but I guess a single mistake of being a little clumsy for sipping in the confusion from the world, it never did. Those records made sense, only if I put myself in some others' shoes. It had directed to some more deserving crowd, and at that point of time I was just thinking how lucky they were. Your palms, you cupped them on the perimeters of my cheek. You will find a song that you will soon love - these words of yours sent a thrill to my heart. Maybe, but none of yours could be mine.

Once you have broken something special, it wouldn't be special anymore. For in this game, there's no such services as fixing.

The girls and I hoped for more than just an ordinary international model shooting when in Rome. We talked about our bizarre activities that could screw up the line up for the runway event but let serendipity to occur, and the whole thing could turn out twice as eccentric as the previous plan (like in the movies). I could be like Lizzie McGuire, and fall in love with an Italian actor. Or maybe we could chill out at The Trevi Fountain and argue about its coin tossing tradition. Some say you must lob the coin with the right hand backward over the left shoulder, but the others insist you must use three coins. Wait, but maybe I could start off by googling the expenses of visiting Rome this December.

I wonder, its insane how the power of something as fragile as a dream could actually produce constant happiness for some.

2009-08-12T00:09:00.004+08:00

And so I fell.
And I fell forever and so quickly at the same time,
daydreaming whole novellas in the half a second it took me to fall,
yet for one reason or another I never hit the ground.

One night, it felt the best thing to is just to keep my eyes closed. Beat, excruciatingly exhausted after constant motion with the loud music throughout the entire night. With my back body against his, I tried to regain my bearings again. I would continue keeping my eyes closed. It's like one of the moment when you're in between living and dreaming. A part of you escaped from reality, another still remain in the present existent world. But everything felt like it's possible, meteors can be real. The vibes of the rhythm keeps you awake in your dream. However ironically for once, I am not afraid to be confused between these two essences that makes life the way it is. Sometimes, it feels more blissful to be trapped in between. Neither here nor there.

And once Mom wind up the blind and allow the morning rays to hit my skin, I am no longer trapped. The sun beams became a warm welcome as I approach the entrance to the real world. But then, I'm not granted the permission to close my eyes again. Until the next fifteen hours. Until the next fifteen hours, all of us have a mission, something to discover. And we have the entire day to look for it. Not completely, but the pieces that we gather everyday can shape something that stretch the happiness for miles. Maybe like a flying unicorn or a dozen of pixies that comes with various sort of sparkles.

I've decided not to have overwhelming hopes. I mean, no it's not that hopes should be discarded integrally but I have just everything I need. It's insane how the world works, we're always wanting something more. But this desire do hold negative factors, only that adults conceal it because they're not satisfied. Greed. Yes, obviously it's a nature of the human race to long for something more. It enfold us to be a better person achieving what he hoped for, but still it's the choices that we clutch and how we look at each accomplishment. Guess what? I've got everything I need. The main elements of jubilation.

We stood in the highway to the city, pretending that we're heading to Texas to be famous rock stars. You messed up my hair and I messed up your mind. Your leather Ermenegilno Zegna's smells of sheep and dishevel my fairy tales. Tell me the monkey stories that changes your emotions through out your life. Suddenly the stars explode into gold butterflies like we're under the control of morphine. Your palm gripped mine and chase them towards the clouds. Top of the world. Victory.

Partied till I lost the world.

2009-07-31T14:03:00.004+08:00

I like the stars.
It’s the illusion
of permanence.
I can pretend that
things last, that lives
last longer than moments.

As fast as people changes after every season, it's how fast new chapters are being written. And in every chapter, fresh characters are introduced, either carrying a minor or major role. No matter, each of them holds unique significance. They alter your character, in any way. It doesn't necessarily be in a positive way because life is all about discovering. Someway somehow you will discover different means to approach different things in life. They can be the one who offers you a gooey strip at Central Park when you were tripped by a cute dude, who ran away. But very often we will be stuck in the moment whether or not to accept the kindness, and allow them to conduct the basic form of compassion towards vulnerability? After all it wasn't their fault there is a cut across my skin.

There is always a better place, like California. People like us do not have to live in controversy where every decision you made seemed to be the wrong choice, as though what's happening next in our lives actually greatly affect them, like in New York. I'm totally exiled by how the pieces of truth in the world forms up to be the best picture of deception. And how people pick up the hobby of playing pretend. Most times I wondered when could we danced in the rain again, ride and race horses, pluck sweet grapes with our bare fists without receiving any fine and sleep outside at night under the stars. We can drink and talk and sing and play cards. Things that you do from your hearts. And nobody makes a big deal out of it.

How different would my attempt of crossing be when knowing that there is someone else waiting for the at the other side of the road? Most times, the key strength doesn't always have to come from deep within us. It has to take someone for a reason. But for what's worth, in my case, reasons were painfully the ones that disappoint.

No, actually, I disappoint myself. (slaps head)

2009-07-16T17:29:00.003+08:00

Well here are the reasons that hurt me the most.
Call off the search I'm coming home,
People lie once, but not on the third,
Not without reason, not for a girl.

When we are faced with tragedies, life becomes unfair. We run from places to places in search of hope and strength. In such pursuit, we learn the simple things that we forget along these years. Tragedies are just austure reminders. God declared he has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Tyler carefully placed one feet after the other on the steps, descending from the tree he regarded as a transport to reach Gazelle's balcony from the driveway. A moment before his feet touched the ground, Gazelle remembered how they spent dancing waltz to the rythm of their anthem one night on the lawn. How he would sneak in bringing a heart-shaped oreo cheesecake for supper on an unplanned Friday Night. How he would curved his fingers and linked them together, before placing it on his chest. The sense of possibility turning up behind her heavy curtain one morning, the catching of fireflies with barehands. Gazelle never saw eyes like Tyler's. Green as the water in Cheapesake Bay. But she knew that beautiful things wouldn't stay for long, but at the corner of her thoughts she felt a subtle reassurance that someday, somehow they would reunite. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

But things will never be the same, will it?

Getting drunk and one night stands are the shortest way of escapism from a choking exhaustion. With the limiting time we have in life people tend to take shortcuts, for life never offers the privilege of slow and steady. Life contradicts itself most of the time. We are educated in a way that the sum of one and one is two. But how could two hearts possibly become one? There it goes, how some things in life doesnt make sense, and no matter how hard we try to analyse things we just topple over many more questions that ridicule.

2009-07-04T18:10:00.003+08:00

Most of our lives are a series of images,
They pass us by like towns on a highway.
But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens
And we know that this instant is more
than a fleeting image.
We know that this moment, every part of it,
Will live on forever.

There will be nothing more chaotic and tousled than a human's life. On any night when the voice of the crow withdrew us from our peaceful rest, the darkness caused us to think about how disordered our lives are, and what falls in, did not exactly follow according to plan. We will heaved the heaviest sigh, with large weight of remorse, on how we wished we could discard the pieces in our lives that has remind us how vulnerable we were. We could select the prettiest pictures and place it next to each other like its another form of art. But this wouldn't make sense at all. This is life, and the most exquisitely quality picture would be the ones who has countless number of heart-throbbing pieces. A beautiful mess.

I miss you terribly that I just want to jump down from the plane and parachute to your place. Often, we will realise the importance of someone in our lives only when they've walked down the hallway with fists clenched to their hearts, closed the door and vanish in search for other elements of happiness. Due to extreme fragility, rose the refusal to state the unsaid things that could leave one ponder till whenever. Is this strength sufficient to reignite the sparks once more?

If we had destroyed something special once, then attempt to restructure it to be as special, it won't be special anymore.

A typical weekend night dinner under the city light with lovelings with ridiculously insane antics still stands as the best method to getaway. And as the stars begin to speak after 12 hour of silence across the sky, we talked about putting on our running shoes and chase for what we call dreams. It's those classic 1989 punkrock songs that replayed in the back of my mind every two seconds. It's the endless double-dudes piggy backs attempts. It's the sudden tingle of exhiliration when we silently revealed each others' talents. It's the rugby jock on the right, the sophiscated doll on the left. It's the skater dude right behind, and the sexy singer right infront. Individuals who hold assorted personalities contributed different crackers which produce contrary lights. When it all fires up and burnt together above our heads, were the most thrilling. Let's toast for the amazing bonds and the quality of hearts we've folded together throughout these times.

You don't neccessarily need diamonds in your hair, or a Dolce & Gabbana's to look good. Place your palms on your left chest. That's where people judge how good-looking you are.

2009-06-23T20:52:00.005+08:00

I wish I had kept it all
I wish I had records of all the things
we've said to each other,
just to make sure they aren't a figment of my imagination,
just to make sure they were real.

It's definately those moments when you drive around observing the city lights with a car full of crazy friends. When you clutch your fists against your chest, gasping for air between each laughs with tears falling at 2.35am. Their usual antics felt like the world completely change to a circus. It's those time when you have nothing at all, but everything in the world to talk about, even Genna's Mac lipbalm color could cause a silly debate among two. That second, for a split second, it feels like this is the way things should be happening. Laughters and ecstacy. For that split second, we forget any sort of things that bothers. We forget about school, about work, about screwed love stories, and about all the things in the world that matters the most which had turned 70% of the Earth population to be a viciously materialistic and competitive individual, who never gets done with jealous. Who we care about would be the two sitting right next to you. Cos they're the only ones that you need all these times, those two right next to you. The ones that told you you could fly even when you were just merely pushing off both your feet from the ground.

It was last few nights I tumbled upon an old phone with text messages you once sent to me. I used to regard that as the main essential for my bed time stories - our silly little games. I knew those times were not right, but it just felt so good. Take a look at where are we at now, we're as far away as heaven is from hell. What filled me in for now would just be the tracks we used to share from our endless favourite movies.

How much we deny that nothing bothers, we're actually attempting to lie to ourselves. Often young people hide things, never say things in order to sound cool and stronger then they can never be. What makes you think we never creep out to the rooftop at any random night leaning back on our elbows watching the starless sky? In one corner of our hearts picturing a light would dazzle through to amaze, prognosticating a certain level of hope for a miracle. It's just an empty hopeless nights when we could hit the rewind, listen its the playback. Of the old records and soundtracks of the story of our lives. Thinking about the chances that we blew, and the opportunities that we screwed. But as the dawn starts to fall in, as the birds starts to chant, we will never be able to mend those done things again. Because whatever we have blewed, everything we have screwed, forms every detail of who we are now. And if it wasnt because of the failures from our deep desire to succeed, we could not have been where we have been.

I wish life could let us walk a little slower.

2009-06-11T22:26:00.002+08:00

The record on the stereo played her favorite song for two whole days,
and the track stretched out for miles and miles.
What she’d give for one more smile, and how she hoped he missed her,
cause God she missed how he would kiss her.

The rays of light shines through the silhoutte curtains as you teased the ravishing jasmine that occupies half the size of my head. Our casually animated conversations subjected the pleasant looking place you call home. Observing even the tiniest littlest motions that occur, I sensed the strong warmth present, something I had wished my whole life for. You know, the comfort of speaking everything with your heart. The entire evening I thought how fortunate he is to have such pleasure to complete his life. Who else in the world receives a peck from a woman you call Mom at the age of seventeen? We didn't even get close to 5 seconds for a calm peaceful form of interaction. I ended the night sending him off to hostel, playing with the wires from the brain hoping I could entangle it with wise solutions to get that back once again.

But, do you think I will ever get that back? Considering that it might have just died just the way Tommy the parrot lost his life chocking on his own tongue mocking the passerbys. Yeah, after all these years we've never practiced speaking everything with our hearts. Speaking everything with our hearts.

I used to have a melody within this heart, and the flow of the symphony hummed in this mind. But there's this moment, when the music stopped as though a conductor demanded the pause, I heard footsteps filling the hallway. As seconds goes by, the closer it became and my heartbeats became more audible in my ears. Soon the image became clearer. He started a chorus, and the music continues. It is amazing to hear how the spontaneous lyrics could fill in so well. He just made it a better piece, and then we could sing like this night will never end.

You smell different.

You know how books can list the whole adjectives and string all the beautiful quotes and phrases to describe the tensity of something? But sometimes I couldnt search the right words to state the bliss I felt. Even by saying I felt the air underneath my feet or saying my whole head felt above the clouds couldnt delineate it all. Sometimes, its something more, but you just cant explain it.

2009-06-01T13:07:00.005+08:00

This life is not all about bikinis and
beer and movies and parties every night.
But all the dancing in the rain, the song
on rooftops and the remembrance of all the
things that will one day drift away.

Go figure, the flow will never change. As much as I want to write this novel about things that could surprise me, they never. Each time I receive generosity from the world, I would be the one regretting it. Tell me why I don't deserve this. Oh wait, I figured the capital S on my forehead. Sucker, selfish, sinner, whichever you muppets feel that suits. Now losers, learn from this. When everything feels like in the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.

The idea of having to extract the whole (21+18)=39 heart-throbbing chapters into my 2months old pea brain (considering that it had only start working since tertiary education starts) again for the second time in life is not what a seventeen year old girl would wish for. Why do I allow these shits to still bother my life? The only two chocking elements that completely drives me crazy are back to attack - Science and Boys. If only life is a game of Counter Strike, I would have gun them down all at once, and they're all dead for good. Then I will have all the icecreams in the world all by myself.

Today marks the official vacation, which is pathetically two weeks. I predict:
1) No Heartless ringtone at 7.47am each morning to get excited upon.
2) Pay regular visits to Video Ezy and 7eleven, to grab some random movies that either would crack my stomach veins laughing or detach my eyeballs from my skin crying.
3) Feed all the chips in the world till I become another clone of Susan Boyle at the age of 17 years and 2 months.
4) If not you'd see me every weekend reciting the same silly line of Hey Good Afternoon Ma'am, and then getting drowned with all the stocks falling on my head after every visit to the storeroom.
5)If you're lucky you'd see me screwing little boys in the dancefloor, yes, you hope you would don't you? (Mark the fifth point.)

Can I revive the period from ending of 2008 and beginning of 2009? When everyone was out partying and we're the only two kids that partied through the phone. Because I missed that special we-are-friends-but-i-am-still-going-to-hold-you-close-and-you-are-not-gonna-fall-from-the-sky feeling so much. <3

Riding around the world in Darius's SP at wee hours is not a bad plan. Especially when it involves Reggaeton/Psytrance music and long talks about our screwed love lives. Folded heart shapes with leaves and stalks of daffodils as mini-surprises. Coke and gummy bears substitute of liquours. Explosive hugs and punches. Full of cocky advices on how to throw the habit of attending cocktail parties five times each week. God, this is way better than getting drunk and high.

2009-05-24T22:32:00.006+08:00

There comes a time when the world gets quiet
and the only thing left is your own heart.
So you'd better learn the sound of it.
Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.

Most of the nights I caught myself staring at the ceiling picturing it was the night sky. With uncountable stars that will glow, as glittery as your eyeshadow circling the perimeters of the eyes. Somehow it drives me to think about the things that have been, that never had been, and that could have been. Doing things that you never plan or think but you just let actions speak anyway. And how accidents can be another set of blessings when you reach the end of the page of a novel. But for every case, the end of a novel meant the beginning of another.

It's funny how Sarah Dessen can teach me alot of things I would never be able to acquire. Like taking risks - doing some amazing thing under that moonlight. Sometimes stories like this sounds cliche, that even I know you know that even girls we don't know fancies a life like that. But then experience tells it all, no matter how cliche it is, it brings joy to one's life. I used to swear that parties posesses the best ecstatic feeling in the world, but maybe I was wrong. However it will take sometime for me to be right about things. I do not wish to make another mistake this time. I won't let people be right about me, I will not be. This is how things should work from now, I'll stand up and get going once again. Take control of your heart even if things gets overrated.

June is going to the bomb this year. I am completely excited about the line-up during the holidays after spending approximately a month half sticking your eyeballs against the laptop screen every single day. One of the plan is probably to see Ahmad getting stripped and walk in sexy hot Gstring along Sentosa once again, like the tradition Club Gstring has always been practicing for all we know :D And this is the best part, transform into party monkeys with the girls till we die of exhaustion.

How well can someone hide what matters to her the most? Well apparently the only best way I can think of now, is to live in denial. Profusely remind to yourself and the rest of the world it doesnt matter, and never had. Decline what you think is written in your mind, maybe at that point of time life gets dark and the only thing you can see is your heart. But I will never trust anything in the dark, because eventually it will lead me to the same way, back to where I started and I have to do the whole tripping thing again. In a matter of ten seconds, how well can I analyse and evaluate on the choices that I was given? The only reason which provoked my mind as I watched the waves enfolding under the dark starless sky, was that I wouldn't want to ruin what we have. I wouldn't want the slightest change to occur if I were to make a mistake in selecting the wrong options. Because that very moment, any decision is about to change my whole life. I strongly dislike when it comes to this situations during the game of earning and losing. But Sarah used to say, we have to give up on something to achieve something greater. And I took a risk, in hope to reach something as special as I read in novels.

I have a bestfriend full of advices. Everybody, meet Sarah Dessen. Sarah, this is the world <3
(No actually, this is my world.)

2009-05-16T19:11:00.002+08:00

There's a home up in the sky,
I'm gonna climb to it by and by
I'm gonna walk these yellow lines
till they turn to golden vines.

It's not like this is something completely foreign, people entering and complimenting profusely for the first few seconds of their visits. It's not like I could not smell the possible outcome of the two-minute visits and identify the methods that one could use so that we could slip scrupulously on our butts. Certainly I will never allow such fall. I don't only know these things on my fingertips, I am completely familiar with the whole process but still, I would'nt deny that I happen to be a player of this game. Sense something is wrong with me somewhere, but then again, I guess this is how world works. We ran out of toys to play with that we play on ourselves sometimes.

Or maybe I am just a noob who pretended to be a smart alex about this when actually I have never acquired the skill to distinguish if something is a statement out of sincerity or another impressive yet twisted tale. Whichever, the character I am holding on to, really provides alot of enjoyment and flattering hearts. I will stop questioning the rest of the roles here, for now. Cos I like exactly where things have fallen at.

You know just what I will do. Backtrack a little and mend some mistakes. I will polish them till it shine to the reflection of your teeth even if it takes a thousand ladders to reach the goal. I aint screwing up this time. I need this as a push for going shopping endlessly in Paris every weekend with my cute little poodle I call Poppy. The best part is, to see Mom, what expression she will draw on her face for the rest of her life. Cos I know the only reason for Mom's happiness is the daughter's success. But the question now is, will I be another wishful youth to prove that goals are possible to achieve?

You're just afraid of the fact that I will grow up an adult. Because then there will be one child less in the family, but adds to the number of adults residing in this house. But Mom, eventually you have to accept this. Allow me to create my own destiny and walk this life with just two feet. I want consequences, and feel the cruelty of this sinister world. I want to learn out of sins, so please, let me be. For a start, do not treat me like Sophie by making Milo for us for breakfast every morning or retorting for me in a situation like when the waiter dropped a pinch of mayo on my Gucci.

I think a grande Mango smoothie just got me hanging by the stars. Another ingredient that drives me straight to heaven. Alright folks, this is all.

2009-05-09T22:28:00.003+08:00

Blair: What are we, Chuck?
Chuck: Blair..
Blair: Last fall you said, we couldn't be together. And I believed you. But everytime I try to move on you're right there, acting like..
Chuck: Acting like what?
Blair: Like.. Maybe you just wanted me to be as unhappy as you are.
Chuck: I would never, wish that on anyone. I'd want you to be happy.
Blair: Then look down deep, into the soul I know you have, and tell me what you feel for me is real. Or if its just a game. If it's real, we'll figure it out. All of us. But if it's not, then please Chuck, just let me go.
Chuck: This is just a game, I have to lose. You're free to go.
Blair: Thank you.

Serena: Chuck, why did you just do that?
Chuck: Because I love her, and I can't make her happy.

I will never have anything as special as Blair and Chuck, not even close I swear.

2009-05-06T21:03:00.004+08:00

May the wind always be on your back
and the sun upon your face
and may the winds of destiny carry you
aloft to dance with the stars

It used to sway to the rhythm of the breeze, sweeping across my bare back of the body as I take a twenty minute stroll along Central Park. When at times it annoys me for jumping out of place for cases when a huge bus speed of 675mph passes by. I miss the feel it hits the skin of my arms when I ran from one end of Fifth Avenue to another end just to grab the last piece of Miu Miu's chiffon dress in size zero. Now I wish to get straight to the point, I miss my very very long hair. So I'm back with the flat hair I had, and lesser curls.

I noticed kids got bored with their childhood to easily and wanted to grow so much. But I wonder why when they reach that stage, they longed for their childhood back. I guess throwing paperplanes across the backyard is a much simpler task than untangle life complications. I bet they realised that Barney and friends store a thousand more happiness than the filth environment in high school. There's always this idea of wanting to revive the past back where fairy tales make perfect sense, at a corner of our grown hearts. Maybe for now, for losers like us who are unwilling to accept the structure of life, should make a trip to the circus. Well perhaps, perhaps it will make us feel completely alive again like we felt before.

I need to alot of faith and motivation to restructure my life. I am standing on a unfamiliar track right now, but contradictingly with the most beautiful souls around. With two fingers crossed, I solemnly call upon for bless that wherever this track will lead me, it will be magic. Certainly everyone deserves a little amount of stars, dont you?

Were you told to let your heart speak? Do not just let your lips to do the talking. At times, your heart deserves a let out. Say you were given a piece of paper. You dont have to draw what the art teacher instruct you to. Let your heart do the talking, dont just be tootsies. In this world, there's such thing as freedom of speech and thoughts. Draw anything you want, whether pretty mermaids or racing bikes - just draw. Afterall, life is all about doing things your own way.

When you see someone who has her eyelashes going up and down every 2 seconds, and her lips stretched across her face, there is only one thing for sure. I am really happy for the people who behaved that way. That means that they have found their other half to go cycling with every Sunday.

2009-04-23T20:53:00.002+08:00

you know my temperature's rising
& the jukebox's blows a fuse
my hearts beating rhythm
& my soul keeps singing the blues
roll over beethoven, and tell tchaikovsky the news

The most annoying thing after Mom's call of Rise and Shine every morning is the alarm of my cell phone at six which used to be the time when I just start to feel the companion of my comfy pillow. The next annoying thing is that my school feels like 10 miles away from the nearest Mrt station I bet I am going to have slimmer and sexier legs than Jessica Alba's by the end of first year. Well, maybe it is just a cruel punishment from the government of being a loser.

Like the loser I used to laugh my sexy ass off as though a pimple as large as the size of Popeye's and Squidward's nose added up together as one, broke out on Ted's forehead. There was this dweeb entered my class steadily thinking that he actually belonged to ours and headed off to some seat. We classmates laid our eyes on him with expressions as though he was a species from Mars and made comments on how silly he was. Two seconds later did he realised it wasn't his desired venue. Here comes the exciting news. I was that dweeb the very next day.

Doesnt mean that if I wear diamonds in my hair I am a smart person. Why do you think Britney screwed half of her life even she owns a life every girl in the universe die for? Tell her to take it all out. She will bluntly answer something as close as 'My clothes?'. That's when you impatiently retort to take out all her make-up, all her mask. Don't you see she is another dauntful little soul like a coward pitbull from the animal shelter to begin with. I personally feel that God wasted so much luck on her. And probably some obnoxiously unappreciative twits around. I can forget all about Winter, their hearts are twice as cold.

Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is not to inquire. Not to analyse. Not to examine. Not to make assumptions. You can throw all the skills you learn in some Problem Solving module for a little while. Sometimes things doesn't work that way. Maybe all you can do is to sit by the wooden bench and enjoy the smell of rain after another rainful. And just breathe. Remember to just breathe, breathe and keep on breathing. Believe things will fall in perfectly like the way they should.

When you dream, dream big. Never get down from the rainbows or clouds that you're living at. Eventually, it became the reason that forms you. Take a look at Susan Boyle, she's foreign to words that could bring her down. All it takes for success is the capital D and she became a wake up call for the world.

2009-04-14T21:16:00.006+08:00

We're not sisters by birth,
but we've known from the start,
fate brought us together
to be sisters by heart.

Hey young folks! I think I need somebody to start blowing the thrombone two centimetres away from my eardrums, so that I would wake up instantly without much effort of throwing a pail of ice water right in my face. School, it feels like I am about to get stuck in my own worse nightmare.

Don't let me stay away from consequences. Don't guard me from complications. Getting bitten the agonizing way teaches me deeper than your way of headpoking naggy technique. Discovery about life should be done by my own, with my own soul in my own breathing body, I still possess the rights to make use of every seconds in my life. No rules in any world proves that I lost my prerogrative in selecting what I should do next. Without lighting the catalyst, how do you intend to observe the extraordinary results that the spark can do? The light definately don't represent any form of barriers, it is a hint of faith and believe for sure. If things don't change with time, I will die a loser. And noone should blame me for that.

Hey guess what, you can compliment how my leather boots compliments the snake skin jacket I am about to get from that sexiest flea. I can link my arms with yours at the same time we try to bite each others' heads off. We can take a ride on the trishaw pretending we're tourists from Jamaica but sing songs in Arabic. You taught me how to place exclamation marks to boring Saturday Nights without an exciting movie to watch. Street Fighters. Ballgowns. Bob Marley. And How Stacy ends up in the clouds with a pack of stardust.

There are no such things as Kentucky Fried Chicken or other food in any forms that contains as much fats in my world any longer. I wouldn't be at the lunch table at noon, for I will probably be at Bornes and Normes Bookseller with Jodi Picoult's and a pack of peppermints. Hopefully by October I can fit almost all the tops in my closet (since they're in size XS) and magically vanish the double chin Mom pointed out every Sunday morning. Till atleast I own a slimmer and admirable figure that could change the mindsets of the world's aneroxic models within two seconds. The moral of the story is, move your ass and get a job kids. Or maybe a boyfriend to go cycling with every weekend.

It feels good to hit the ground, with your chest kissing the cemented path. Enjoy every fall, because once your face touches the floor, you're about to earn a bonus - The proof (in an unpleasant form its bruises and scars) that you're stronger, and less vulnerable. Thankyou Skateboarding.

I have a secret. I miss Ben Ten who has cute little angelic eyes and killed a kitten. Well, I see it's not a secret now. Pfft.

2009-04-06T20:29:00.002+08:00

Harris: Hey, what's your birthday wish?
Maybe I can grant it.
Sherra: I wish to talk to the stars. Now grant that
for me.
Harris: Miss, your wishes are like so impossible
to grant, you know?

Seventeen is not a big deal. The cutest thing that occured today is that most of the mofus that called for the past 24 hours firmly throw suggestions on how I should spent my allowance other than underage events after their Happy Seventeenth sentence. Their constant persuasion to be extra patient until 365 days in lieu of today makes me yawn every two seconds. Hah, kidding mates. I love y'all! And it is freakingly weird to realise that you people make plans with me the whole of my birthday week except for my actual birthdate you shitheads.

And this is what I hate about myself, never stop talking about impossibilities. Impossibilities like feeding flowers to a pet unicorn, algebraic calculations sound as pleasant as Rock and Roll and time could be paused forever just by jabbing your pointing finger on the remote control. Surrounding souls will feel it is completely demented to have the wildest imagination at this stage of life, when it is impressingly complimentary for seven year olds to write or talk about ponies and flying broomsticks for six straight hours. Oh my god suck these shit out of me someone, and get me a day job to fill in notes in my purse. (Thank you, but the idea of delivering pizzas in red and black uniform definately should not be a choice in my list.)

Strange how some people could surrender their piece to someone, then when the dawn breaks again they willingly offered it to someone else. Novels used to teach me the passionate pleasures from relinquishment one could feel, but what I observe are something that probably contradict. For mine has closed, locked and I am sure it will remain silent till whenever. It will never hit and kick the chest compellingly unless David flies all the way from Brooklyn to sincerely play the role of a heroic character from my book of How Tika Sherra's Life Is Supposed To Turn Out.

It took 27 minutes to reach that peak. The air feels different at the whole new level from where I used to stand everyday. That layer almost felt like bliss filled my lungs, uncontaminated by the shits human had sinned. I pampered my knees and streched my legs on the wooden floor before sinking the back of my head to face the shades of blue,enjoying the beauty of the sky at 9.24am. Funny how it looked so calm and harmless, when it is directly facing the Earth full of chaos and pain. Even a plate of Rojak at Geylang Serai would cause death, who knew.

2009-04-03T23:43:00.004+08:00

I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didnt mean to love me back but I know you did D:

I swear the sight of it can make you stop dead in the tracks, chin almost touching the ground, both your fists clench together and placed neatly against the chest as you whisper Oh My Fucking God that it is only audible to people two inches away from your lips.

2009-03-27T13:38:00.008+08:00

In the hopes
of reaching the moon
men fail to see the flowers
that blossom at their feet.

Temperature of 36.7 degrees should suffice for now, although it feels like the world is spinning in the fastest speedest mode ever. Pillow and Hello Kitty blanket have been such pretty close friends who offers warmth and comfort lately. The greatest thing is that I am completely annoyed with the persuasion from a number of people to take medication that I almost consume 6 packets of Panadols. That explains the spinning world. Mom bought me a variety of fruits, rattling off her Apple Riddle - apple a day keeps the doctor away. Elrgh, who in this prettiest modern world believes in that anymore? Apple doesn't cure migranes.

But maybe Oreo Cheesecake does! Well, it does if you're atikahsyahirah.

I was happy being sixteen. It felt like I never get tired answering the question about my age. Only sixteen, I would chant with my eyebrows raised up and down every two distinct moments. Some cheeky (old, I would say) mates would go Hey call me up when youre about twenty. So I would reply Yeah right I would do that if you remain twenty in four years time. One note about life is that it goes on. Another note is that, it waits for noone. There will be no sensible apparent reason anyone would remain twenty for me in four years time, sorry cheekies. (Yakdush!)

School barely started, and I am already picturing some leisure activities I would sign up for during my next school vacation. I never got bored with endless holiday. It feels that there is no boundaries to worry. The idea of partying on Tuesday night really fascinates, while school kids have to dread about lessons on Wednesday. Shop the whole ATM card as though tomorrow your pay will sum up to half a million dollars. Whow, I will call that Paradise. Maybe some people will call that Yeah Keep Dreaming. Well maybe workloads exists in life to teach us the whole meaning of efforts, eventually we would be more appreciative towards the good blissful things. Don't believe MTV, the journey doesnt go the Lauren Conrad way and no such things as endless holiday.

The fact about young people dying is that they stay that way forever. Noone will remember them as being the old mean Mrs Harris or the grumpy twisted Mr Morgan. You call that courage, because death is the most painful and frightening thing that can ever happen to youths. Don't label yourself as the bold one, who goes around town streets shoving senseless phrases you think could turn a plainjane to a complete shit. For you who never experience the dark quest to death, will never be the bravest one.

To my babygirl who I dearly missed, EEK. Happy 17th Birthday! I am aware that the 4 of us couldnt find time for each other for the past weeks for the reasons like work shits and all. We will definately make up, wouldn't we? Must be like the Cashmere Mafias, coffee talk every evening exactly the way we described before we end our highschool days. Turning a year older doesnt make you legal either, sadded. All the blessings for you in the world for a happy life with family, boylurp and friends. I love you.

One thing for sure this week ever since my maid head off back to Indonesia is that I finally see how the toaster functions. I know how to work the toaster after the fourth attempt (which is not bad), and it turned out to be the hilarious start of the day for Mom and I. The first three failed attempts because I didn't place the plug into the socket. The funny thing is, Mom wasn't the one to spot it either. See how Man is too astonished by the blossom of the petals that they completely forgot about its roots.

Tomorrow's digits used to mark some cute day. But it doesnt matter anymore, because the four letter word never exists like how we pretended to. Maybe it does exists, but it was never true.

2009-03-21T22:22:00.003+08:00

So heres a piece of advice, let go when your
hurting too much, give up when love isnt enough
and move on when things arent like before.

On Monday you noticed my existence and seeked for my name. The next day you told yourself if you were to hold me in your arms, you will never set me free. I remembered your words on Wednesday of having me as the last girl to surrender you heart to. Having to know me as long as it felt like four days, I turn out to be a total loser because you felt I am deeply fraternize with commonalities. By weekend you labelled me your biggest mistake and included my name as the nineteenth in your list of experiences, then replaced another name in your heart. I never thought it was that simple for a young boy, but indeed I was proven wrong.

Its true that Singapore is running out of places to go. They can bomb all the hot clubs already, because I think its pointless. They are cloyed with too much pleasure, bromidically drift one out of the world and thrash their capability of thinking again the next day. Totally done with the delights mixedage parties had offered. If you couldnt read between the lines, I am obviously talking about no longer spending twenty dollars every week for such entertainment. Twenty dollars a week, eighty a month and I could save nine hundred and six in a year! Say hello to bike license :)

Let's sit on the bench and watch the lightings at Raffles Place. We can talk about how mermaids mate and discuss about Wendy's advantages if she had stayed with Peterpan in Neverland. Just make full use of the time left on something a little more essential involving a little more passion with someone a little more devout to deserve my touch. The moment Sun and sky depart, we can share our favourite love song with the radiant whisper of the cold night breeze.

2009-03-20T22:38:00.002+08:00

zouk so boring. st james so boring. what more the small clubs. singapore running out of places for entertainment. where do i go now.

bali tokyo miami LA or manhattan

2009-03-16T23:43:00.005+08:00

Pretty things happen by chances within a split second
No matter how enchanting they grow by the moments
It's never for long
Even the most beautiful day have their sunsets.

It is funny how I despise those who dont mean their words when I dont even take my own words seriously. Stringing grammer and vocabularies then shove them in peoples' faces is a pretty simple task, but I am sure it takes more effort to prove the statements right. Words are not just for display. I need to start matching my actions with my sentences that starts will 'I will' and 'I will not'. If I don't start taking my words seriously, then who will? I've got noone else to prove but myself.

I always have this opinion in mind that my life is like a movie in the theatre. The people viewing it would be those who have yet to enter or had left this world but continue to enjoy the rhapsody of my life. But somehow I feel like most of the watchers wouldn't wish for a scene whereby I skipped along Harmony Lane with Tinkerbell singing a cheerful song from Hairspray. They would go like 'She's about to be happy I cant let that happen' and with cruel intentions in their minds, they leave their seats and enter the screen playing the role of Mojojojo. They fancy action movies so much that they fire a conflict in the club with an absolute random reason like I kissed a cute boy who cupped a big sexy heart on the dancefloor.

I've completely lost my mind these days. My actions were fully based on what my heart says, without putting any thought before it. I gave all my trust to this special little heart ever since my brain got filthy tolerating some people's nonsensical activities that I totally detached it from functioning with any of my body organs.

I think I need more entertainment. I agree to what Eric says, noone watches Tv on Tv these days. Partly the reason I am not done what others are done with.

I love you folks and I miss K. (K for Kinkin, Khairudy Benjakin ♥ )

2009-03-07T17:32:00.003+08:00

You wouldnt know how far you could go
How talented you have been naturally born as
Unless you get your bums up
And start. Just move a step and start.

Hah, I bet you smurfs and smurfettes actually thought I decided to abandon my blog noticing that I have not ben posting shits for approximately a month now. Apart from sitting on the rooftops after midnight with a Granola bar or straining my throat singing punkrock songs that used to hit the charts in 2001, I have been wasting majority of my February days in bed. One day I woke up something strange hit me, and then I realised I am nowhere as good as the plain jane across the street at her sixes and sevens.

Living those mundane days makes me feel tired and bored of my own life. Nothing to look forward to, nothing else to fear of. Presumely I miss the worry of partying on Sunday when I have an important assignment due Monday. No more of those days when I overspend my lunch allowances on manicures and hair treatments. Well, like they had once said problems in life never ends but high school does. I guess I am done with mine, when I thought I am just starting to enjoy it. This is what happen when you underestimate the strength of time which can travel even faster than you can blink your eyes, like some supersonic speedball, but silently.

Now I don't wish to plan. Planning just screw you. Life will never turn out the way you plan. Talk about 5 years down the road, but when you reach that point it is really heartbreaking to question yourself why you never stand whereever you had plan to stand when you were seventeen. Somehow you will find yourself a loser indeed. Planning just drift me away far from reality actually. When I plan I probably talk about going to the extravagant event wearing Ermeldigno Zegna exclusive designed dress in Tokyo with Blair Waldorf in her private Waldorf jet. So if you think and plan like me, be prepared to get upset for the rest of your life. But for the rest of the time now, I will search for opportunities and grab them like how I capture those amazing-looking butterflies with a butterfly net in Sheraton Park back in Suburbia. Cos you know what? Eventually this whole thing, failures and regrets, happiness and success, merge together to bring me to some place beautiful like the quotes had promised me. They will take me there. For a start I should stop watching Hannah Montana and stop talking about Prada shoes. Or just be positive. Failures are just another start to prove everyone wrong.

Most times, people say things because they wish to feel that way and not because those statements truly come from their hearts. The world is not only nice but sometimes cruel, the nicest people you know can actually cheat you not right in you face but slyly kill you from the back of your neck. I've learn that words can kill.

I have thought about it now. Like what Ashfresh said (and probably my babyboys and babygirls who thought of saying but couldnt find the right time to) , I should decend two stories lower - to Cloud 7 atleast :D

2009-02-24T20:17:00.003+08:00

Do you like what you see?

2009-02-19T21:13:00.007+08:00

Watch the sun go down over the ocean tide,
the wind is blowing from the shore through my hair.
It's beautiful tonight, I can't explain,
but I want to feel like a butterfly,
as free as I want to be - as open as the sea.

I have a friend. Let's call him Tibby. I miss Tibby's voice at 11.59pm. I miss capturing 12345 of Tibby's silly faces during our webcam sessions. I miss the texts that rhyme Tibby would send every now and then. I miss sharing fantasies about having my love life to work the way we see in certain romance movies. In simple words, I miss Tibby.

Now when I no longer reach for the pillow when a thing goes wrong wishing that my life had been as great as in The Hills, the world grew to be a much better place than Laguna Beach even though the tales in my life don't line up like Grey's Anatomy and the characters dont speak as devotingly as Boy Meets World. Let destiny blow me away to some place I belong.

I've seen several flyers stating quotes as it to tell the kids to run up with their arms spread wide, kick the huge wave and be different. When in fact, being different is a sin in the eyes of souls who used to live in the 80s. I want to think about pink cars, dance waltz on rooftops and have cocktails for supper. I still want to come off a little wild at some exclusive buffet where board of directors from different part of the world attends. The boldest reason is that I still want to be seventeen. It works this way - I set my goals and live my life. And if some people have a problem with that, by all means screw you losers.

Anyone in the world can assure me promises to forever. Noone can ever define it with actions, far from proving it. Boys, that's what's left in the world in this century. It's a good thing that Rock and Roll still exists. And donuts. And you little kids, I love you.

2009-02-10T11:16:00.003+08:00

I wish for a life
to catch stars with barefists
I wish for a happy ending
without anyone to please.

I am going to tell you a story of a girl who did absolutely nothing but received some kind of probation shits. I wouldn't really get all upset because 10pm is reasonable enough for someone who wishes to be an anti-socialist already but wait a moment, at 8pm? My typical day would start just 5 to 6 hours before. Are you trying to kill me? Or are you trying to help me achieve my wish of being an anti-socialist? Whichever, its definately not working out for me. And the whole idea of being an anti-socialist is just an idiotic form of exaggeration, maybe to please you because you think I'm friends with the whole world. I dont find any harm in creating relationships even with creatures from another planet.

I dont see why in life we should have limits. It's almost like disallowing yourself to grow. Limits are some lame policy that prevent us to spread wide and soar. I want to live a life without limits, so that I can create a life the way I want because eventually life will lead me to a place I really belong. I feel parents shouldn't protect us from all those dangerous consequences because sometimes, we need to learn things the hard way. That will be alot meaningful. It builds a higher self esteem on young individuals as we start to believe in our capabilities and independence.

I am getting very sick with people pressurising my parents about me having different kinds of people to hang out with as creating an unhealthy identity. It is not my fault that you're not well-likeable by people. Maybe you would want to sit and reflect about how you tried to enforce misery in someone's life? Totally not working, it's annoying because it's too much. Yes I sit in the couch on the phone conferencing with a couple of mates on a Stay Home Saturday, I spend 3/4 of my allowance on pizzasand cocktails on a typical Friday night and I party with the whole happy world but I still get my shits done. Don't you see it's part of being seventeen?

Sorry that about the three paragraphs. I am just flabbergasted to what's happening in my life so far. But I believe even after all those shitty occurence, always on the lookout for the presence of wonders. That thought keeps me happy. I still have everything I need. I still have angels that never stop to create euphoric times that will be stored in heart as long as I live. They say: Nobody said life wouldn't be painful. They just promised that it'll be worth it.

Maybe some of you little kids have little tiny question marks above your heads at this point of time after reading this post, but I'll promise you the next post will be atleast less flat as this. I still love you folks, never fade.

2009-01-30T11:47:00.002+08:00

I miss the whole lot of Club Gstring.
And Urshula Joey Spemann.
And Danish Iftiqar.
And this little boy that used to sing High School Musical tracks for me each night.
I guess its the same little boy that folded a paper rose.

2009-01-22T11:43:00.006+08:00

could it be her pink nail polish
or her long fake lashes
that separates her superiority
from the rest of the girls like me

I hate time. It seemed to despise us in a way. They pass, even knowing that completely all of the people in the world wish it could slow down for a little atleast. Or allow us to backtrack a moment or two. But no, time is mean. It cause people to rush and suck up their grace. It makes people like me an obnoxious loser for becoming a schizophrenic dreamer.

I have to step out of my comfort zone, like what Vincent said. There are certainly many ways to achieve what I think is above the clouds. And instead of dreading over my highlighted weaknesses that bound me from getting hold of pretty things, I could have use all the strengths that I possess to strike off those weaknesses. I just need a little more confidence.

I used to think that Moms exist to pressure their kids. However, after almost a year of being sixteen, it become almost clear that under every pressurising moment that she caused, the reason Moms exist were to make sure someone is there to catch us any time we fall. Moms are pretty good catchers. So World, I am going to tell you how much Elisdawati mean to me, and what a great Mom she has been through out my seventeen years of life. She willingly hit the green light for me to do wild lunatic things because she trusts me and understand the life of being sixteen. She approves me of spending the nights over some places other then home, get a little tipsy in underage parties, giving me more allowance and every other things that you can think of even though relatives from the family think I am far too social. And because she loves me so much, she received all the pressure everybody trashed on her. I dont choose who my relatives are and where I come from, but I can choose what kind of girl I want to be the best of. You can gather around and talk about my social life, but some disgraceful things about your own kids you never know that we all know. Only that we dont talk about it cause it doesnt a single bit affect the way of our lives. So sickly unlively relatives I have please kindly move away because Elisdawati is the bestest mom you people will never be, cause for one reason I know she's the most beautiful person I ever met :)

I used to picture a picture. A picture of Jamie and Landon watching the sky while painting big sexy hearts in their minds. For some reason, I feel its becoming real. And I think the only probable reason is Melvin Ling Poh Hwee, forever and always ♥

I miss all my babygirls and Club Gstrings. And also this special friend, his name is Troy Bolton, very very much. Danish Iftiqar says he wants to give me hugs that lasts longer than Oreo Cheesecake expiry date that makes me miss him alot alot more! :)

Oh, by the way, my Myspace is working now so I'm back there but not in MSN already. I still love you folks.

2009-01-06T20:01:00.002+08:00

maybe you can try
and catch me if you can
like how you did
when we were nine.

It felt like I was pushed with extreme force down from the peak of the 29,029 feet high mountain. I fell, I screamt, I spin in every directions. However its kind of strange to know I never hit the ground. Instead I fell right straight into the arms of the people who love me most. In every case of displeasure, I realised that no matter how melancholic I feel, no matter how fast I spin there will always be someone who would catch me right before my chest hit the floor. So folks, believe that there are souls who would stand by you and top up your strength, not having you realising it. Appreciating would mean a step closer in seeing those people. You dont have to lead this life alone.

Approximately another two months will I be officially seventeen! But sadly, not everyone likes the idea of atikahsyahirah being a grown up. Take for example my mother, a pessimist who thinks I tend to be close to trouble. I personally feel that being seventeen would be as mundane as being sixteen because it's not like I could be of any help for my brother to buy cigarettes at midnight when the closest store available would be seven eleven. It would be really unpresumptious if being seventeen would mean a little more freedom, trust, understanding (not forgetting money) from parents.

Remember the song that silently plays at the back of your mind when you felt his presence? The song that makes me sway perfectly to the rhythm in my head despite getting stucked in a traffic congestion with engine noises and honks. I completely forgot the feeling of the song while everyone was away. I think it magically faded. But for some awkward reason, I felt it again. The song keeps playing over and over like its on repeat mode, bringing back the feeling I should feel, the feeling when I am beginning to fall for someone all over again.

Can I brag about how right my life is now? It's not completely perfect though. I still have to endure profuse morning calls from Mom's office to check out whether my little sister (who already starts her primary education) had already start preparing for school. Everyday. But I love my Mom and I am happily happy now.

On second thought, shouldn't be so happy because results would be here before I knew it. (whines)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSCF61JEB1Q&feature=related
if you want to laugh your bums off at Atikahsyahirah and Dinadaryana.

Atikahsyahirah: Actually wherever atikahsyahirah is, will be the best.
Melvin: Kalau gitu Melvin nak ikut wherever atikahsyahirah goes.
Atikahsyahirah: Even if atikahsyahirah's six feet under?
Melvin: I will follow till the end. I mean it :)
(fireworks)

2009-01-01T17:29:00.004+08:00

She's complicated, and enigmatic
And usually worth it
And the only way you know for sure
is to jump it with both feet.

2008 had been a blastful period of 365 days. List of wonderful things that happened will be Club Gstring was formed, I got rid of a boyfriend by dumping him in the riverbank, I wasnt sent to detention as often compared to last year, Kids Central nearly got me to host for some crappily cute show, the boys made me a surprise at Botanic Gardens, falling for the wrong man and I got along with my brother even if he shaves once every 4 weeks. Memories that was created will safely be stored in this heart forever. I love you people that bolds the colours of my life :)

However, one event during New Year's Eve was upmost disheartening. I upset my Mom because somehow I hid 30% of my real life from her. Therefore I hope we could clear the spaces between us so that eventually she would understand how a 16 year old mind works. It was Ashfresh, who I think still owes me like ten more jelly waffles, who made me realised I took my Mom's presence for granted. Even though her wakeup calls of Rise and Shine profusely crash my dreams of being one centimetre close to Prince William, I love her alot with my heart and soul.

This could be the start
Of something new
It feels so right
To be here with you
And now looking in your eyes
I feel in my heart
The start of something new :)
(Like the way Troy sang to Gabriella on New Year, he shimmered confettis at the start of my 2009)

2008-12-28T10:39:00.003+08:00

atikahsyahirah is selfish now she doesnt want to share the pretty events that took place in her life i simply love things the way it is and i am upmost contented with it right now i want this to last forever tapi cannot because in a couple of weeks time will be o levels results before that happens i want to go for the last party of the year at st james but i dont think i will make it due to some reasons but i still want to go then how i wish lala can help me with things you may think that my fullstop on the keyboard doesnt work but i purposely type it this way today i am working and what yesterday i gave farhan his 24yr old birthday gift which is a 10 seconds hug from atikahsyahirah which nas claimed cheapskate so later hopefully i meet zul because miracally he wants to treat me starbucks the person i miss most is wani because she very action never call us anymore i also miss joey because she is still in china enjoying her time with the sepet cute bartenders and pool boys and i think its not fair although they are sepet i am bored now because i am only chatting with one person who is ben 10's bestfriend kening naik naik ok bye

2008-12-18T16:44:00.002+08:00

not like last two nights
i found the perfect people
the people to go crazy with
no longer like last two nights
when you promised me lies.

Hey young folks. It is a good thing that now my life only revolves around 3 things - Work, Sleep and Girls. Not exactly the kind of life I planned but atleast I threw away those mundane days by chanting 'Hello Sir what size can I get for you' or 'Hey Ma'am that bag costs six hundred and forty nine dollars but you get ten percent discount if you're a Citybank card holder' for atleast 7 to 8 hours, in heels. I am no longer in power to extend my sleeping hours now so I've yet to pay back my outstanding sleeping debts owed since way before O levels started. My girls are the ecstacy they took me out from my world of love songs.

What a perfect life indeed. But to think about it again, a perfect life always comes before a terrifying rainstorm.

Just one little thing that I would complain about. I have ugly nails. The girls are changing designs and colors of their nails practically every week. I think Joey took alot of trouble painting my nails the normal way because she has to paint it sideways instead. I guess the total surface area of my ten nails is not even close to the surface area of your thumb nail. I barely have any nails left. Thanks alot ar, to whoever I pick this biting fingernails habit from.

Its funny when the time we look forward to has come, but now we somehow missed the times when we were looking forward for this time. Did what I just said make sense? I think it does, maybe not to you because you dont have any senses.

Oh, one last note to the world. I dont stick up extentions in my hair. What you see lying on my shoulders are originally grown from my sculp :)

2008-12-05T19:40:00.005+08:00

I wished I had been your first love
The kind of love that only happens once.
The only special memory you would like
to share with your future grandchildrens.

Greetings children! It feels like 5 generations since I blogged. One major shit happened this week which practically sucked up the life I had to live. I'm grounded for a week for this ridiculous reason that I think I shouldn't state here. And next, I wouldn't mind much if only the TV broke down, but with the wireless connection modem failed to function I practically have nothing else to do except sleep and gain a thousand pounds of weight. I guess that explains why you wouldnt see my name on your msn screen and also why I missed to hit the parties held this week. Story of my life.

So the most dumbest thing that happened this week is that I blatantly called out Edos's name from the eight storey when it was actually Khairul Anshar who walked by. Imagine if it was a complete stranger instead of Khairul Anshar what would he think, Atikahsyahirah the idiotic girl because she confidently waved excitedly (I did not know I caught the wrong person still) at someone who never know she existed till then. My eyes had failed me, probably I hadnt been out for a week. Well you think?

There is certainly every reason in the world to be frustrated over shits that happen. Remember when we were young we thought when we grow older, someway we could further understand whats really going on in life. I couldnt support that opinion now. The older I get, the more things go out hand. The more problems tangled up and suffocate me. This time, they dont come one after another. They come as a whole plenty of them any time after another. Then again, God wouldn't throw shits that we cant handle. He would know that this shits eventually would help us invent ourselves and be the best of who we are :)

I personally find that advertisements and packaging of products is created to cheat on people's feelings. Take this case for example when you have a dark spot, a scar that was left after pimple season and you trouble yourself getting down to the supermart to get a vanishing cream because you indubitably want it to get out of your sight each time you look yourself in the mirror. Every word stated on the advert are just empty promises. If they had this programme like Punk'ed where they change it to Cheat'ed, I think I would be one of those who moronically chant 'I am Atikahsyahirah, and I just got Cheat'ed'. And so much for believing that the cream could get rid of dark spots within five hours! (It definately makes no difference even after 5 hours like they bragged it would and wasted my fifteen dollars)

Some parents think that they know what's best for their child. They would always go 'You talk as though we're not experienced in life!' True they are, but I wonder how could other parents be supportive of their children and naturally know what they want to achieve in life. Atikahsyahirah, a contracted model for (insert agency's name that had offered). Slimmer chances now because my parents feel that its not the kind of career that would suit me. Obviously, they hadn't pay the slightest attention when we discussed about Careers during dinner every now and then since I first started walking.

If I had come up with 'Who I want to Meet Most This Season', for sure the first in the list would be Club Gstring! I miss you all like I miss Ahmad's face when he put that Gstring on :)

2008-11-26T15:36:00.004+08:00

Like those days you pulled me out
to the playground for our all-night dance
pull me closer, never make me doubt
We've got the most-wanted winter romance.

For some grosteque reasons, pretending is a part of human's nature. She says she doesnt care at all, with her eyebrows raised and her arms on her hips. Take one step ahead and a look closer, her eyes tells a different story. Our greatest fear is always the truth. The fear to acknowledge what's really written on our hearts. The fear to hope for something more. Because as you enjoy the satisfactory of having someone to knock you off your feet, you're still stuck in the complex situation where you keep reminding yourself he is in the perfect post to drop you off the ground not only flat but six feet under.

Even if this very moment you feel I'm not thinking about you, I actually am. We gave up at the beginning of our game. But nothing says that we wouldn't score victory the next time we sign in again :)

The sweetest biggest things you do might be just a bonus. Yes, of course it will exhilarate anyone's day to get a request from a date for a exclusively planned dinner during Valentine's when he actually swear that he'd die for you in Skyway Avenue. But if you were to recollect the beautiful pieces of deeds, it is actually the smallest littlest things that matters. Things like throwing pebbles by the river and slapping whipped cream on each other's faces. Things that might sound sick, but actually keeps you smiling till you drop your body on the couch to end your day.

For now I will never make headspinning predicaments drive me away. I'm on the run in granting Muhammad Zulfikar's seventeenth year old birthday wish.

2008-11-23T14:49:00.004+08:00

The world is so cute today.

Look what Khairul Anshar gave me for medication.

Hanif Troy Bolton could have win the cutest form of apology - 1000 pink daisies and another 1000 white ones :)

2008-11-23T13:42:00.002+08:00

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Because Atikahsyahirah is already dead. Even if she's not, she would be a happy person now so please do not bother her much longer. If you'd stop disturbing, she'd be happily done getting rid of her monsters. So now goodbye world.

2008-11-22T22:01:00.005+08:00

for tonight we head beach together
messing up a member's brand new car
knowing if we didnt have each other
We wouldnt have come this far.

Another year almost reach the end, which soon will mark a new beginning of a brand new life. Even before this year ends, I have already started missing a whole lot of people - Club Gstring :)

That time you could have said the special three devoting words meaningfully. With all your heart and soul, with every reasons to shed, with your heart beating furiously like it will make its way through your chest any second. But maybe the problem is, you said those to the wrong girl. Why do I still take those, when we both know that we're actually destined to be someone else's? Because sometimes we wished the right person would be the one standing in front.

What frustrates me is that the last string of my guitar snapped for the fifth time this week. But what hit the end of my patience was that I have blood relations with idiotic nonsensical people who commented something that they have no idea about. I swear if I wasn't stuck in some programme I would head down to Pasir Ris and bomb 147 or maybe stretch their lower lips over their painfully pretty faces.

Who thinks Atikahsyahirah takes things for granted? Oh okay great, the whole world. But I think today Muhammad Nurul Islam makes me feel a little better with his fascinating stories from Chicken Soup after 987654321 years not hearing from him and then get to see him yesterday after 12345678 centuries not being able so :)

Muhammad Danish Gareth Parker,
Happy Birthday and I love you many many many even though I feel like killing you most of the time :)

(I know this post is awfully boring, dont comment)

2008-11-10T18:56:00.003+08:00

I prayed hard to be a little stronger
Just a little
Another slight percent strength
Could have survived me

This is for all the people that I miss most:

Dear Zulfikar,
You were my tissue paper. You eased all my problems and wash away all my worries. Even though tears would never stop to spill vigorously, you continued your attempt to stop it from spilling. I am very sorry if I went too far at times, sucking all the precious seconds of your time listening to I whine. I was a little childish, to think you could no longer be bothered by my immature behavious. I'm very sorry if I ever thought you never cared, when you did so much. Thankyou very much Zul, I listen to you the most then any of my girlfriends. (And my girlfriends complained that too actually.) Your words do give me power to kill my worries away! Meet up soon, because I miss you. Help me entangle the 'belitan' okay. Slap me until I regain back all my senses the way I have it all four years ago.

Dear Dina Daryana,
You have no fucking idea how much I've missed you. I am indeed very contented to see how cute you are with someone new. You have a very special talent - to make my problems sound funny instead of something serious. I missed that though, maybe because we never had the whole world to ourselves to talk anything under the Sun like we used to. You instilled a large amount of strength to face every little challenge in life, even at times - no, most of the time, you blow my senses away :D

Dear my dedeylove♥,
Amazingly, I still count the number of days. So today's date marked the 73th day you entered my life and never fail to make me smile for every thought of you. The little arguments we went through were indeed hilarious when I reminiscine about it now. Well I think things do not line up according what we expect now but just to let you know I really really really really really really really really miss you.
(Do you know how much I missed you, you little Smurf!)

Dear Kinkin,
Even if you're not reading this, I'd just like to keep a record. I am very sorry for not being able to textback. Somehow I feel that these days dont seem right between us. But, I miss you too idiot.

Is there a need for a parent not to trust her daughter? Is there a reason to scream at the end of the line when someone random ticked the end of your nerves? I do not see the justice (chey, justice seh) to redirect your eruption to someone who have completely zero idea what's wrong. I personally find that is not the right reason for you not to trust your own daughter. She's trying to be social here, atleast she's leading a fine perfect life with her beautiful friends rather than lie about her whereabouts and claims that she's a plainjane so that relatives wouldnt talk about how wild she is. Ah, idiots.

(Recalling last night's event which I find extremely adorable.)
Girl: I hate you for life.
Boy: Then love me for ever.

If I ever die of heart explosion, kill Isac Macdaniel :)

2008-11-05T21:31:00.005+08:00

look out, its still the same mockingbirds
singing the same enchanting rhapsody
look up, its still the same calm blue sky
mirroring heaven's tranquility.

I am sorry I spent ninety five percent of my day by the park bench reading fictions. Everything is in place with the wind blowing against your face, strands of hair dancing along each breeze. Each word from the book creates another pleasant vision in your mind. And every vision, just further withdraw you into another world full of ball gowns, pumpkin carriages, fairies and evil stepmothers that eventually become your slaves. About how each tragedy turns out to be a blessing in disguise. But even after I reach at the end of each novel, I deliberately got confused between fictions and real life.

At the end of my journey, I could pretty much divine I'm losing it all. Nice things tend to slip away silently by my arrogance, one after another. This is because I don't deserve simplest, real things.

I dont see the neccassary of cruelty to solve resentment. There is a need to start believing the pain and misery displayed in every article of The New York Times. Just take a look how many youths kiss under the Moonlight, how vibrant the colours of the daisies in the park, and the number of people holding hands as you walk along the streets. There is definately no room for violence.

Bliss, is when your girlfriends' and your voices and extreme laughters conquered the whole Coffee Bean. Bliss, is when you and your girlfriends speak alien language that will not be understood by others because every word slipped through the lips, it undeniably lose the control of our salivas. Bliss, is when you and your girlfriends enjoy a large tub of cocktail by the bay critisizing about the Fashion Nonos. Bliss, is when you have your girlfriends to make fun of you but still offers you the best splendid advices to deal with boys.

November Eleventh will be the start of my new life policy - Work. But I think it sounds like "Takecare".

For my birthday I want six daisies. I want them in Pink, Yellow, White, Red, Blue and Orange. In my world, which is probably the IMH room, everyday is my birthday. Today, tomorrow, yesterday. Ok Atikahsyahirah, takde orang nak layan kau. So now okay bye :)

2008-11-02T18:39:00.004+08:00

Enhanced by his Wildcats shirt, let me introduce you to
Mr Hanif Troy Bolton.
:)

2008-10-25T22:04:00.002+08:00

I just need one person, with one special soul
That would adjust the dented melody
And sing the right lyrics perfectly
Of my love song played by the old stereo.

Slap me. I reckon its really fascinating to walk in someone's life and then step out of it the minute you realised you're too tired to clean up the mess. Whenever you welcome one hot dude in, you're too thrilled by the perfect charm he possess to remind yourself not to slip. The world is too enchanting to identify the ultimate motive. This is for believing that life would somehow turn the way it is in romance novels. Romeo and Juliet exists because Shakespear never experienced true love. It was just a lie for losers like us both. Things that you always visioned, are things that will never ever happen. Slap me again, harder.

I imagined that there is this notebook whereby I write love stories in. And then, life would magically occur orderly according to what's written. Call me a hero, because I guess the government would no longer face the problem of suicides.

My favourite word for the week: Mundane. Things were extremely slow. I need sedation from my pain - another long talks with the girls.

One night I woke up at 2am, bothered about things that I couldn't figure out. A cup of mineral water still didn't do the magic. My instincts brought me to an empty rooftop of a neighbourhood carpark to breath the night air. I spread my body against the filthy cement and silently visualise what we could have done that night if you were feeling the same. From playing wrestling at the middle of a dull deserted place to sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry's from Cold Storage on a treehouse. It somehow helped me drift away to sleep, but the next morning I still couldnt escape from the truth. The truth is, I'm not worth it.

Everyday is like Valentine's Day. Lovey doveys met up for ciggerates along with coffee, sharing love thoughts. If tomorrow is still Valentine's Day, I would be the only one who dates the daisies since everyone confirms up for something real. (and less likely to do stupid things like singing Itsy Bitsy Spider)

Maybe I'm not worth it. Or maybe you dont like the way I do my hair. Or maybe you think my jokes were last season. Or maybe, just maybe, I miss you too much.

2008-10-21T11:02:00.002+08:00

Three words, eight letters, three syllables.
Say it, and I'm yours.

2008-10-19T14:39:00.002+08:00

Because they'd once said
Things which you're really afraid of
Is the the one that will turn out most worthwhile.

Once I thought the strong feeling that beat haphazardly against the chest, making me feel restless all night is something that shouldn't be ignored. It's downright irritating. Feelings come and go, they grow then fade like the meteor in the nightsky which a lucky person would be able to catch for 2 seconds. Certain things are not meant to believe in, they would just drown you in deeper illusion that could kill. Not every hope would mean a perfect day tomorrow, because it might just turn out to be false. Call me a pessimist now, meanwhile I'll enjoy my jelly waffles from Ashfresh with my headphones plugged and laugh at you at the end of the day for believing too much nonsense.

The best thing that can never happen this week is getting tight down in bed with temperature of 37.5 degress and wish some real hot (and cute!) Starbucks barista would sneak in some oreocheesecake along with a nice refreshing chocolate chip frappe through my bedroom window.

What can possibly be more heaven then straining your voice laughing your lungs out at Coffee Bean, only with a pleasant slice of Chicago Cheesecake playing The Game Of Horny Truth with the bestest girlfriends in the whole world? More cheesecakes, idiots. (Not more cute baristas)

Atikahsyahirah has become very impatient these days and nearly cracked the screen of this computer. Well tonight I will sneak in to Malaysia and silently take Zul's Macbook. If he complains the next day, I would sympathetically place my palm on my chest and sorrowfully say 'Ouch, I'm sorry for you. Screw the thief!' He is not happy on days when I am very very the most happiest, noticed that.

There will be one time in the world when someone would walk by and give you every reason why you're beautiful.

2008-10-13T21:24:00.002+08:00

I miss Muhammad Hidhir Bin Muhammad Shariff ♥

2008-10-11T11:07:00.004+08:00

Serenity is when you sneak out after midnight
Alone in Ambercrombie pullover and earphones plugged
Nothing but the city lights
And the smell of the drizzle, after rain.

I couldn't sleep because I'd start to think. If I were given three wishes what would they be? The most important things in the world would be love and wealth. With love and wealth, everyone could be happy. With love and wealth, everyone could be free, free from all sorts of problems. Certainly it will reduce the problems faced by the government, like getting rid of the beggars in streets who'd ask for a dollar to get a Granola Bar to last him a day because he's stateless and jobless. If I have three wishes, I'd only ask for one. And that is to have a blissful life.

This whole occurance is incredibly splendid. It bothers, it ripped, it made tears. It's the best killer of all time.

Victims of Love, we named ourselves, could have lost our voices on October Tenth for screaming our major problems that really bothers us. But they're a bunch of hellish insane people that could really suck up all the disturbance and make you very happy for a period of time. All sorts of idiotic games for losers such as Truth Or Dare, Marry Relationship Fucked, American Football where a little girl like me get tagged on the head and dirtied her feet with mud, flirting with Kemana IV and throwing stones on the sea hoping it will skip thrice on the surface. Tell me again why do I hang out with maniacs? Because they're serious shit of fun.

If I could, I would blindfold these people and bring them to a place of tranquil. Then unfold the blind, my beautiful fairies would use its stardust to magically write the words Thankyou so Much and I love you on the plain pretty starless night sky and I'll hug them till they suffocate to death. The first will be Md Zulfikar, always there whenever I snapped my fingers. Followed by the maniacs I mentioned above Geraldine, Ryan and Ghaz. Not forgetting the Gstring girls Wani Ek and Lala. Oh yeah also Raihan.

So tonight will be a beautiful Saturday Night where my girls will take me out to shop for sexy lingeries and probably a nice cute cup of frappe to scribble off the awful feelings away.

(Exclusive) Tsk tsk, birthday girl got her face and hair smells like cream. Thanks to Club Gstring. I hope we did a good job making this a memorable one. Love you (:

2008-10-05T15:10:00.003+08:00

Surprise me with a stupid love song
outside my bedroom window, while the rain pour
With big pretty pink balloons
Like last night, and the night before.

Everyone wants a perfect love story. Each soul dreamt of having a charming prince riding a white enchanting horse to fetch them to some goddamn classic castle to get married. Every person wishes that their Romeo would suddenly fall from the sky presenting them with a ravishing diamond ring that would get girls from the whole town wanting to be you. All of you want something from someone, but do nothing to show that you actually deserve it. Now, close your eyes and think of several ways to display that you actually cared before the rain falls down and wash their presence away, before tornado strikes and wipe the unrevealed love that's here to stay.

Even though I used to be so excited that I dont have to attend school co-coriculum next week, I am so missing school already. Reminiscing Secondary 3 life onwards, it sure had brought lotsa hellish fun. Major fun, excluding boring lessons that magically could attract heavy heads to the tables and drive young souls to sleep.

I wish I could unscrew my nose from my face for a few days until it gets better. I thought I could be part of the Save the Earth project this month, but I cant help to be the one who wastes tissues in the household. This screwed nose not only waste tissues, it also made me sound like a duck. It sounded like I actually pinched my nose as I speak. Go away lah Flu, go to someone who actually deserve it like Danish or something. So that he wouldnt be having irritating latenight calls with his new girl knowing he sounded all shitty.

One venti sized of Mango smoothie, large plate of chocolate icecream waffles with marshmellow toppings and a nice boy next door to laugh along with. Right under the Sun during a joyful Sunday afternoon. (insert satisfied smile)

2008-09-29T21:35:00.003+08:00

The fascination that overwhelmed me
every morning is the content of my purse
Of your sweet love notes of romance poems
That completely doesnt rhyme.

My world is getting insane by the seconds. For some reasons, I began noticing weird individuals around. There are antediluvians who are probably around their sixtees showing me their pervertic faces and waved hornily which if I had the chance to, I'd shove my heels down their nostrils. Personally I think old people these days have peculiar sense of looking good. Today itself, I observed five old people with yellow, red and purple hair. Yes, those colors that you would see when you open up your box of poster colors. So now why dont you all give me around of applause because atikahsyahirah had become less oblivious to the surroundings and had learnt to be attentive of the real world?

The Sun painted the smiles every Saturday mornings, and double choc frappes highlighted the vibrant colours of the park as I sang the song of my dreams. Even the cold air felt pretty, and the drizzle smelled tranquil. Would I able to? One question left unanswered, perhaps till the end of February.

Mother's negations and doubts nearly made me drop myself off the cliff. Thank goodness I still had my sane mind with me, and of course the wonderful people. Whisper a little prayer with our fingers crossed, our palms on our chests. Hopefully the enchanting breeze would answer our wishes sooner, or probably right now.

I met someone beautiful 31 days ago, but all I did was being the mean nasty wicked girl that does not know how to treat people right, the way they deserve to be treated. Spare me a speck of Fairy dust so that I'd be able to transform into the pleasant nice princess just to keep this person from feeling all shitty for my awful speeches, someone?

We could forget the names of our neighbours, the guitar chords to some random songs and the product code of the Jimmy Choo heels we've ever wanted. But we both know the most extraordinary feelings that could not be forgotten, because when it exists, it will remain even if the Sun never rises again. Itu namanya Love.

2008-09-13T22:29:00.003+08:00

Muhammad Hidhir Bin Muhammad Shariff
He swept me off my feet at the start of Summer.
:D

2008-09-05T21:08:00.003+08:00

In about one year you'll have it all figured out
These big city dreams are what you're about
Walking like stangers among these states
Only time will tell how long I can wait.

I didn't know that being an average neighbourhood-schooled girl would attract that much papparazzi. I wasn't even aware that papparazzi exists in this pathetically tiny country. Picture yourself walking along the streets with your puppy, or lining up at Frolicks for caramel icecream with Hershey toppings and suddenly a ray of strong light flashed upon you. Turning around you see a man with some coolshiat camera bend cowardly behind the bush, thinking that his small enough not to be noticed. Wearing plain shorts and a racer back tee wasn't much to define stand out, especially with my freaky hair tied up in a messy bun. After sometime, it's getting on my nerves when he is seen at the corner of my eyes everywhere I turned to. I wonder what would be the headline in his magazine if I'm seen holding hands with the bassist from all time low. Let's hope his magazine would bomb louder than Ahmad's! (Winks)

I want to be a Science and Maths genius in less than a month, will this wish be granted genie in the bottle? No i dont think that's be necessary considering that Kevin and I have inside plans to bomb Ministry Of Education. Wicked!

What is freakier? To discover that Joe Jonas is actually Mas Selamat in disguise, or to know that Selena Gomez actually have chest hair? Either way, these random sense of imagination keeps me entertained. Speaking of being entertained, I am feeling exuberantly excited at the thought of (fill in the blanks). Anyway, my obsession for Joe Jonas had officially ended after noting that every single girl on my MSN list now is overly obssessive over him. Oh my god, isnt he like yesterday's news? He's dating Taylor Swift already. (Rolls eyes)

I come to realise we couldnt be spending the rest of our lives dwelling over something had stopped to happen. True, they're moments in life where we had wished that we hadnt made certain choices. What's done is done, and all we can do now is to learn from our mistakes instead of grieving over spilt milk. Its not like you can order the whole shit to rewind. I will call you a loser if you still let the past come in your way. Why don't you shove the dark things aside and hope for a better sunshine? It's not like when one thing is screwed, the rest will be. Getting hurt is part of the process. Boy meets girl, boy gets tired, boy flew away. Too bad in reality, thats the way things work. Life's not another cinderella story. Make your life meaningful, live life the way its worth living for.

When the city sleeps, I became invincible. When the city sleeps, I have all the strength in the world. When the city sleeps, this love is indestructible. But that's when the city sleeps, I wish to be your only girl.

I want this summer to be the best summer of all.
(smiles sweetly)

2008-08-30T14:37:00.005+08:00

This experience you go through
changes you in some way, for once they're gone
when you become conscious that you
only have yourself and your feet to stand on.

Atikahsyahirah still spend most of her time dreaming of the day when the ocean breeze would gently blow her to some beautiful place where her fantastical hero (picture Joe Jonas) would just ease her mind with his pleasantly incredible song, as he asked cupidly 'Do you know that you're kinda beautiful?' Eventually, this little habit made people wonder why the hell she smiles to herself every random second. Now, come you couples, fascinate me with your love story.

Inevitably, school is really really getting out of hand I swear. There's a trillion facts to yank into this head in minimal time. If I have the choice, I wouldn't wanna grow fast. Because if so, I wouldn't have to screw my prelims! Even the thought of college frightens me. If I were positively claimed distraught before examinations, kindly sue Singapore's education system. (Yayaya macam paham) PS PHONE IS BACK:D

My head's barely above the ground and my body is six feet under. Yet I still dream about the things that could happen above the clouds. But after a seconds of excitement, came the wave of dread. It is already impossible to lift this body and let my feet touch the ground. Stupid fictions, cheated on my feelings. Don't you think stories gave you false hopes on chasing all you've ever wanted? Go figure, girl meets rainbow and they live happily ever after. Can it be my turn?

That will be the reason I need a boyfriend with coolshiat camera.

Atikahsyahirah is officially a member of club kpax. Thanks to my disoriented state of mind. Some people may know why. Players change, but the game remains the same. And the story goes..

2008-08-16T22:32:00.005+08:00

the truth is we're still young.
we've got time to mess up, things
to do that we might regret, hearts
to break & mend, and parties we'll
never remember. we're just kids.

Brand new life, brand new chapter. Two words to describe the storyline of my life: Pleasantly blissful. How could I be hating my life when I have angels every direction I turn to? Now I see the real importance of friendship. Without this thing going on in everyone's life, I'm very certain your life would be topsy turvy. Though life is painful itself, they sweetened it with their overwhelming love and kindness. Don't you think they deserve all the donuts in the world?

Don't beggars freak you out? Not being complecent or whatsoever, but I sorta have this phobia of facing a beggar when the only most indulgent way is just to search for your coin purse and hand him in a dollar. It just got me reminiscent back when the people from Tong Kheng Home grabbed you by surprise by the shoulders, and arms to play along with them. This is not nasty, okay readers. I promise I will atleast smile if one happen to come in my way along the streets.

Atikahsyahirah has a list of things to do. But first, she have to discard whatever crapshits that carry her deeper into another world - fantasy. Wait, but everything there is or there was, begins with a dream. You know, famous quotes are getting pretty confusing these days. It's all about stringing a few words together to make something looks good, but ten minutes later another quote convinced me the other way round. That explains my disoriented state of mind, that could end me up in IMH pretty soon.

To Atikahsyahirah's Nokia 5610 phone in Mr Seah's locker:
I miss you.

Source of euphoria, and satisfaction. Frappes and oreo cheesecakes were created to make atikahsyahirah very happy. Thankyou, whoever people that create this delightful thing. And oreocheesecakes were created for Zul to buy one for atikahsyahirah whenever she scored As for any of her O level subjects. Also for being the nicest and generous girl in the whole wide world. (Cheh this one I anyhow add in.)

It took 3 seconds for me to believe Zul's weird version of scissors paper stones and then been owned. And took another 20 seconds for me to catch my breath again after laughing real hard. There, so everyone this is the ugliest facial expression of Zul and wow, I got my revenge back :D (Clap hands maniacally.)

I hope you do a nice job taking care of the pixie, Mr Rock and Roll.

2008-08-14T19:55:00.003+08:00

i really, really, really like the way things are now.
i'm not asking for more. so dear god,
leave things the way it is. i promise
i'll make full use of it, and cherish every pretty things
that come my way :D

(Except I'm missing my phone badlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.)

Yours sincerely.

2008-08-10T20:32:00.004+08:00

No baby I wouldnt wanna see you cry
Cause you're prettiest spark
Like the meteor in the sky.

How have you been doing World? I am fascinated as can be, as though I woke up at dawn to realise my backyard were filled with colourful daisies. No more frustrating events that pierce through the heart, and no more heart-throbbing latenight calls. More angels entered and recoloured this world, and my life is pleasant and beautiful once again. I wish life could stay this way. I'm sick of the roller coaster rides.

School is painful, trust me. Plainly because Atikahsyahirah is a dickhead during Math lesson to text in class. What happens next is that my phone made a special appearance right in Mr Seah's locker of confiscated phone. Twice within two weeks. Who'd ever break that record? Every day since then I had been at his desk one second after the bell rings, persuading him to return my baby. Apparently he doesnt buy my puppy eyes and screamt that I'm difficult. (insert Atikahsyahirah's famous pig face.)

I miss this girl like forever. All I can recall is that the last time we hung out was almost 987654321 years ago. Good to see her smile again, as sweetly as before. Or maybe sweeter :D Dont worry, hard times will be over anytime soon.

Prelims in less than a week. I'm still trying to work my ass off to generate 18 Chapters of Physics and 15 chapters of Chemistry (total of 33 chapters) in this pea brain so that I wouldn't be scratching my heads when I sit in the examination hall. Wow, how fast time zoomed. I'd be considered an official graduated student from school in less than three months! Aww, is that cool or what.

Lastly, I met this little young underage boy who knows the world more than I do. Times spent was blissful. I'm utterly impressed with his weirdest ideas to entertain. (Smiles widely.)

2008-08-05T11:08:00.001+08:00

Don't fake your smile.
(With you around, I don't have to.)

They made me the happiest. Thank you babyboys :D

2008-07-24T16:54:00.002+08:00

come have a look at the sky with me
leave the complications behind, just let it be
but for now we're young and free
let's count every pretty things we see.

Imagine a life without having earplugs sticking in our earholes for music, late midnight calls, sudden alarm to go off early in the morning when you feel that you only had two minutes of sleep, and also to randomly reply 'You know what, I think I have more armpit hair than you' to the pimps and bitches who disturbingly text you in the middle of Arithmetic class. Not a nice life after all aye? Well guess what, that would be the life I lead over the weekend. Thankyou for being too engaged with your text messages while making your way to class in front of the office because I think your obliviousness should be well applauded for, atikahsyahirah :D God, i cant believe I got myself into such trouble! Especially not with that (insert your own adjective) teacher. I guess I have to agree with the statement This generation has become too dependent on technology.

Days went pretty well I guess. Friends remain as escapism of all unwind complications, still the same junkies who make a sattire out of every serious issue, the ones that love to hear my awfully high frequency shriek. When they caught you smiling bluntly seeing the text message under your desk during English lesson, you caught yourself realising that beautiful words from certain people would successfully mark the start of a happy day. That was when I know this special friend I have would triumphantly, drasctically increase the number of heartbeats every second.

My feelings, shouldn't be the main concern. Sometimes maybe letting your mind control your heart would be the best opinion to avoid more complex problems. I want to start setting my priorities right, as you can see I'm still struggling to fit in this demanding life, which requires unlimited tolerance. In other words, I'm still confused and clueless, like a dove in a night sky in search of its own breed. I believe that if its meant to be, it will naturally (and magically) happen and its no use pushing it too hard. Meanwhile, take this sad song and make it better. Play it with more passion and soul. But for now, Mr Rock and Roll would conquer this fantasy :D

And someday, I would be the reason you mutter 'Its unbelieveable' and the glass you are holding on to would slide dramatically in front of your flat screen tv with your chin hitting the ground. I would be where I'm supposed to be, somewhere you'd never ever imagined I would be at. Life is sweet, hopefully.

2008-07-11T22:47:00.005+08:00

now we're sitting here watching the sea
exchanging words that we certainly meant
let me tell you this my baby,
you ruled my entire world now till end.

On this Sunny Day, I feel like running across the strawberry field. Somewhere I wouldn't think about how and what choices I should make to avoid breaking people, but tragically affect my emotions. Let me out of this bubble wrap will you? Even though I fully understand how much you cared to keep me secure, but girls need their freedom and fun. Come on boy, poke this bubble and let me breathe the fresh exuberant air once again. Sorry to say but I think this is the only way. I want to smell the sunflowers in my backyard and get a cup of Mocha Latte at the espresso stand every morning alone. I want to be free.

I'm moving as fast as I could, despite knowing I couldn't catch up with even half of the rest. This three month race would determine who I will become, and how significant will I be in the society or even the world. This is what I really really really want with all my heart. Please don't get in my way. I may not be the smartest girl with brilliant ideas, but atleast I'm trying to win here. And be someone.

Did I tell you how mean and vicious is 4C? Lee Hong Wei is full of shitty surprises, trying his superbest to extract my heart through my throat. And practically the whole class loves to hear my scream at eight in the morning. It seemed to be a pathetic routine, which i will not make that i habit for my class. If only grossy insects don't exist. Worse case, I have to endure this for another three month atleast. I'm gonna miss this for sure. Especially you lovely man. *insert smirk*

Its never easy understanding me. I never told you it was that simple. The reason I never figured out what is best for me is because I never fully escape from my fantasies. For my whole life, I'd been picturing the future would probably turn out like the movies and novels. I tried to convince that life is no cinderella story, but what hurt most is that, learning what is in real life would make you feel small and then fall apart. I still hold on to the believe that beautiful things come for people who wait and dream, where life would be like some High School Musical or Camp Rock where people would finally recognise what you're capable of and boast to the world.

Exclusive picture of Muhammad Nurul Islam! Omg if he were a star, I'd be rich selling this picture off to the press for this skillfully acted-cute photo. Its okey little man, I owe you pizza :D

Apologies, school and dreams sucked all my time. But I'm really happy with the way things are going on so far, atleast there's people who would be the sweetest when you dont expect them to.

2008-07-11T21:55:00.004+08:00

Truly, madly, deeply
and if i have the power to shape my perfect hero of my life, he'd look exactly like this.

too bad too sad, my imagination conquered my sanity still.

2008-07-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

Club G string is the bomb.
Hell bomb.
:D

2008-07-03T15:52:00.002+08:00

it seems to me, the problems you worry yourself
sick about never materialize. it's the ones that catch
you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that
knock you sideways.

Hello sexy world! Past few days were blissful, yet painful. The more I want to push things away, the harder it hit me right through, the clearer I realise I am nothing if I dont cling on you. I miss something, my sanity.

My sanity was flew away since the day my classmates decided to scare the whole soul out of my body. This rubberband earthworm trick victoriously (see, such a strong word to describe how successful you guys were) got my heart in my mouth. Not once, and not twice. Even in the auditorium they managed to make the entire upper sec (approximately 57684938562 eyeballs) looking at how red atikahsyahirah face had turned. Moral of the story is, 4C is mean. Very, very siniterly cruelly mean.

Mother Tongue Oral Exam was totally screwed up, like I pictured it to be. Because whenever I have points in mind, I dont seem to have the ability to translate those in mother tongue words. Well, which was inevitable sometimes I guess. I hope that killer papers in October wouldn't succeed in killing my soul and future. UWC girls who speak with that accent we know should make their way to Yale anyway. That'd be the time I make a pass at Chuck Bass *fantasise* Oh please don't make my heart go dapdipdup violently again?

There's this star you said you'd never reach, but what you've always wanted. There's this Moon you said sang the lullaby, but wouldn't put you to sleep. Your heart truly disturbed your mind, and all you should turn to is a bowl of nachos and blueberry smoothie. Not to some million dollar pills that you believe have the power to put you in ecstasy. Don't keep it bottle inside, and quarantine your mind afraid that you will dream bigger dreams that could lower your self-esteem. Scream and shout like this world doesnt have any rules, and bare in mind someone will always be there. Even then, maybe I could. :)

Can Sunday be the day I meet you Mr Sunset?

2008-06-28T17:09:00.002+08:00

you sing about beautiful things
and all I want to do is believe.
I traded my dreams for this mess of memories
and they just stopped working for me

What makes you happy most of the time? How does the reasons draw that pretty smile under your nose? Happiness is more than any other joyful synonyms added together, indescribeable. I dont have an exact defination of the feeling. Can I say happiness is running wild across the beach like nobody care you'd step on a sharp glass and hurt your feet? Can I say that happiness is climbing up the colourfully designed treehouse during winter to play truth or dare with the cliques? Should I say that happiness is strutting towards the stage to receive a graduated certificate from Yale? But would you believe that true happiness for me is to watch the brilliantly fabulous sunrise with you, knowing that you'd stay till the end?

I am strong, and i should start believing that. I am smart, and I should start knowing that. Wherever you go, whatever you walk into, keep looking up my momma say. Because there's nothing else on the ground except you feet. Let your eyes meet the people who once disgust, and let the smile you plant speaks how skillful and capable you'd become. AK once said and I quote The Sweetest Form Of Revenge is Success :)

My week wasn't as bad after all, even though the thought of occupying every free time with tuitions and night classes freaked me out. I felt thankful that he tried to mend things together like it used to be. I hope we could make this through, even though this wouldnt be as perfect as i used to think, not close. Love, as cliche as it sounds, is very hard to let go, even if you dont know how much its worth.

And there's this boy i met who makes me feel secure. but its not enough, my heart says. as you know, atikahsyahirah would be the best prey of deception and she's afraid of that. reveal the truth, before you'd never have the chance to tomorrow or the days after.

Thankyou Ek Wani Lala for lending your shoulders to cry on :)

2008-06-20T19:35:00.002+08:00

We both have the perfect pictures in our minds
Of how things should be
If we had taken the same summerjobs
That summer.

Sentosa on 19th June was hell fun because Ahmad Khair Izzat got a pink hot Gstring for his 16th birthday from his beloved fellow sexiest friends namely Ek, Wani, Lala, atikahsyahirah, nabilsyafiq, Sadik, Hidafie, Syazwan, Fanni, Furqan, Luthfi, Faris. Sadly enough atikahsyahirah didn't catch the sunset :(

Tonight, and every other night, I wonder what do I want, and what do I actually deserve. A few might think I'm being unreasonable and conceited by overreacting in certain issues and problems. I give stupid unreliable statements that caused several parties to be very, very unhappy when in fact i intend to avoid further antogonism. I want to select the right multiple choices available right now, but I'm not sure where will I be going next, whatever I choose, whoever will be around me. Yes, I know that people come and go in life. Do I get the choice where everybody stays and make each other happy? I want that.

The truth is i want to runaway, but afraid of what i've got to lose. i want to stop believing and being deceive by something which i thought was real, and then break again. I didn't know forgiving and forgetting isn't as simple as it sounds. I want to reset and start all over again, from the moment nothing painful had ever happened. Well, I can only afford my most sincere apology to that one person who had been hurt because of my restlessness. My inspeciality had ruined a perfect relationship, actually.

School in a couple of days? Wow, that's pretty fast. I know it sounds dreadful to the graduating pupils on how time zoom silently and the next moment we know we're sitting for killer papers. Still, the thought of school makes me smile. Maybe because I get to see Mr _____ that makes my heart dance wild.

It's funny to see how people got so ticked off by the slightest mistakes. Its funnier to realise that you're one of them as well. Because as you grow into the world and think back, you'll notice how foolish your mind worked then.

All I need is someone to sing a song. And maybe meant every word that escapes from the lips. Even though I'm too captivated with the beautiful hazel eyes to understand what he is singing about.

2008-06-11T15:37:00.002+08:00

You haven't lost your smile at all,
it's right under your nose.
You just forgot it was there.

I'm sorry, i sucked with words. I sucked in expressing how deep i feel. I'm sorry I sucked in behaving, doing all right things like being the best female entertainer to brighten your days with her cute offensive remarks instead of her foolish speeches who'd instantly create a smirk on your face. Go on, do as you please because there's so much lesson I could learn. I'm not afraid of shattering because pain will heal with time. Now, give me hopes once more and tell me how much I mean to you just like every other girl in the neighbourhood mean to you. Lie again, because I know I ain't worth the truth. Probably the truth is something special you tend to keep for someone who makes your life magical. The chances are meant to make something real, not just to fill your boring life. I just hope someday when the knight in shining armour realise how much torture I've been through, I wouldn't be too torn to love again.

There's alot of things I want to thankyou for. Thankyou for yelling at me with your many versions of insulting things, thankyou for the sweeeetest empty promises anyone have ever believed, thankyou for emotionally crushing my little heart, thankyou for slapping me back to reality and realise that good things doesn't come for girls like me. Oh, but I dont blame you. I just feel sorry for you, even though I am the weakling who doesn't have the strength to wake up from this fall.

Sometimes, I really wanna feel the way I feel back then. Where girls go on scandalous parties every Friday Nights, agreeing on dates on Saturday Nights with cute dudes who has a pink classic guitar and take up a summerjob with the bitches just to pay for manicure and the latest outfits. It was almost perfect, everything you need you just have it. No heartaches, no betrayals and no lies to make you sneak out in midnight to the playground, sitting on the merry-go-round thinking of what should have been done and why amazing things doesnt happen to you yet.

The more saddest thing is, plans have stated that I have to spend 3 days 2 nights with the solemnly conceited family who will display a calm expression but keeps the jealousy burning inside. it's as dangerous as trusting a tiger to guide you to a safety zone in the woods. What else could get any worse?

All I have to do now is crack my brains with more mathematical sums so that i'll be on my way to college and fly off somewhere fun leaving all these materialistic people and liars here, never to fool me again.

You don't choose who you fall for. You just fall and you get this person who is all wrong, but yet so right. You know that you like them so much, except sometimes they drive you insane and no one can explain it.

2008-06-03T21:47:00.002+08:00

God determines who walks into your life
but it's up to you to decide who you're
letting to walk away, who
you're letting to stay,
& who you refuse to let go.

I feel like singing out loud and roll my body along the roads. Something that is worth doing just to let this feeling vanish within a snap. Hoping that someday, someone will grab your hips and hold you closer before cupping your cheeks and confess that you're not just an ordinary girl with an ordinary smile. Never have could live an ordinary life even though you dont go to any luxurious elite private school in New York. They say this world is full of magics, maybe if we start believing in them miracles could start happening.

Since a few days ago, crying have been my first hobby after biting fingernails. I know it unhealthy but I'll make sure this will end pretty soon.

I've told myself don't ever think about the word 'Holidays' whenever it comes to June this year. I guess everyone's whining about how much tuitions or any shitty educational enrichment programmes had ruined their holidays. So I guess I'll just save this shit and not waste your time reading another puerile passage about how bored I am this few days. I have no choice but to drown myself with my bestfriends, which you should know what by now.

Muhammad Nur Islam and I invented a new recipe which is called Maggie Cheese. Delicious baby :)

Actually my life has no fascinating events occuring recently. Except that Yves Saint Lauren passed away yesterday, or was it the day before. Well it's not like I attended his requiem anyway. Heh okay i'll shut up now.

I have a huge crush on Mr _ still. Well it's not like his interested anyway. Whatever, its just a crush.

2008-05-28T22:20:00.003+08:00

Greetings, ps and bs! I had a nice time today. I have no time for long posts but I like this pictures. Didn't know that drawing on bodies are exciting. Maybe you can try that if you have nothing to do in mind after thinking hard for 5 hours deciding what you should do next.

You know you love me, XOXO

2008-05-25T10:43:00.003+08:00

Hey world, this is just a random post to express my overwhelming obsession on Chace Crawford also known as Nate Archibald in Gossip Girl. I wouldnt blame your bestfriend if she had sex with your boyfriend if he's Nate anyway. Who wouldnt right? Oh my god, did he just stole my heart?

You can call me Mrs Archibald from now on (:
(okay don't vomit all your breakfast and dinner just yet)

2008-05-23T19:58:00.002+08:00

i am feeling dysphorically dispirited this moment. I mean frustration and despondency just decided to unite and go against me.

Yeah thats what I'm feeling now, because I still couldnt figure out what and why. But please, I'll be just fine like the pretty sunflower you see outside your window (if there is any). I just need a little getting used to. A little getting used to the fact that in this entire fabulous world, never can I find someone who will be seriously sincere.

Let the rain fall down, and wash my dreams. Let it wash away my sanity.

2008-05-20T18:53:00.002+08:00

that night when you realise everything's a mess
mustard and chilli ketchup on your nightgown
Now let's get the hell out
Major runaway out of this town.

Small tiny winy littlest things added up all together and got on my nerves today. I dont know, for example I woke up at six this morning and struggled to open up my left eye. Failed, I headed the bathroom guided by the right one. Such a whore to start the day, I know. In the afternoon received a call to hear that Danish is involved in some fight in school with a serious geek. I listened to his side of the story and awely to actually agree with him, I supported he acted that way. He declared it as 'self-defence'. And,to know one of the well-known gay store in town is being unrealistic and ludicrous in employing men for the job. Well, I shall assume that they concluded one is 'Too quiet for the job' actually meant that 'You do not seem to have a potential of being a homosexual and therefore do not have what its required to represent (name of the store you suspected)'. Well I guess whoever got turned down by them should actually be glad that they dont fall under their species of men. Anyway I made this comment just to make me happy, and maybe someone else (:

Some people think I have issues. No hellish idea in what/which way but I guess I have to learn how to stand with my own stinky feet. But why do you have to stand on the ground with your stinky feet when you know that you're born to fly? *coughs*
(I am being optimistic here, if you hadn't realise!)

And when you think that you're very young, and your whole life is far, far, ahead from where you're standing, every single events seems perfect. For all you have ever wanted will exists, and there's nothing more to yearn for. But as you grow older, the childhood fairytales seem to end abruptly. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is crashing, or the sky is going to fall. What we all did was to fantasize all day and night, just to keep on smiling. When you are slapped back to reality, everything goes otherwise. Thats when self-esteem start to deplete. All I'm saying is that, even though you feel that life doesnt go according to plan (It had never ever went according to plan actually), be certain that there will be people in this whole wide entire world that cherish you. To the world, you may just be one person, but to one person, you may be the world. Trust me

and I want to tell you how beautiful you are, inside and out.

2008-05-17T21:11:00.005+08:00

why bother ruining the pretty little flower
when you know perfectly he loves you not
sometimes you just need to know the truth
noone understands the meaning of your eyes.

Maybe perceptions do change. Or maybe maturity had moulded oneself to have a different point of view towards someone. I was moved to hear two people (the only two people that I had exposed a little bit part of myself) saying that they see a tremendous change in my character. Well I have no idea how much though but I think people grow up a little, dont they? I don't whine, nor do I cry when a big grossy red ant bit my arm. A little change in character doesnt mean that you change you personality as well. I'm not even close to being the vicious brat who involve myself in ugly fights rushing one into the emergency unit. Judging by the kind of insane lunatics they are, they dont really mean what they say. So i guess I shall just drop it. Well if they really mean it, I guess maybe someday you will know how similar I am to the decently gullible atikahsyahirah you onced knew.

Why is it so hard to put your dreams a little lower? Why is it so diffucult to make your hopes less impossible? Why is it so laborious to actually believe in yourself? Why fantasize about building the most beautiful castle in Spain when you know you won't even have the chance to? Why dream about getting proposed in Eiffel Tower when you know noone even care to fly you there? Why visit the places you once spent with him when you know he had slipped you off his mind? Sometimes its best not to know the truth because facts can kill.

I am still treasuring the times we're having. All the laughters and smiles we create, how your annoyance pushed my patience to its limits. Haven't I reminded you to be extra careful because my most fragile entity is in your hands? Seems like you never seem to treat it right. I can give you all the chances in the whole world, if only I hadn't been too upset. How I wish you're the person I thought you were. Dont worry (insert your name), I am alright. :)

Can you believe that Danish have extra tidy stationary closet? Take a look, you can pretty much assume his side is the one on the left because everything seem to look in order and mine, otherwise.

Five minutes later after transforming into Kim Possible..

Whoa, five minutes and I can tidy up my closet in a jiffy! This is for not wanting Mother to compare how efficient Danish is. And maybe to capture grossyfying spiders that ruin my bestfriends with its ewy spiderwebs. I have to create a perfect home for my bestfriends, yknow.

Hello I am Proffessor Trelawney and I'm about to teach you Transfiguration along with your classmate Harry Potter :)

I have the sudden intention to kiss the beach and smell the sand. To trap my body in a hammock and smile back to the beauteous Mr Sun while someone strum the guitar and sing me a fascinating lovely song. And while I daydream by the seashore, all I will be wanting is a promogenade juice to wet my throat. Feel free to text baby, if you have a wonderful song to sing.

2008-05-12T10:03:00.003+08:00

Sorry, sweetheart, life isn't a romance song.
The girl doesn't always get her guy,
& hearts were never invincible.
And once it's gone,
there are no final goodbyes.

Watsup dawg! First of all, I would like to thank three parties for making me happy even though their efforts doesnt involve any Oreo Cheesecakes. Although I thought Muhd Nur Islam was a pig for bullying me, I guess I wasn't totally right. He had successfully define exactly how and what I feel. I didn't thought he would be a good advicer after all. Also, I have a loveable sister who got her little sister a Paris, Eiffel Tower chain (its in picture if you have good eyes). I was overjoyfully happily ecstatically contented! And my girls managed to sparkle my Saturday, especially Doctor Maisarah(s)! Trust me, whenever they open their mouth you'd wanna pee for laughing too much. Thanks y'all :)

Picture yourself being able to swim freely under the transparent pretty blue sea which holds vast number of wonderful species. You can be the whales' goodfriends, and they can gobble up anyone who teases you. You can collect colourful starfishes, feed them with marshmellows and hug them to sleep. You can pop out of the sea whenever you like and scare all those villagers to death. Whoaaaaa, how cool is it when you're a mermaid! You know, I have a friend who believes he transforms into a Merman during the night. I think he's too deeply involved in his dreams.

Apparently someone thinks that her son is innocent. Well I guess she meant 'innocently deceiving'. Guess what, she goes around the world with her freaking huge butt telling 8/19 of the story. My brother and I will keep our pretty lips shut and when the beans is spilt, we would be cracking our lungs out rolling on the floor from Taman Jurong to Changi screaming IN YOUR FACE! as though 900000kg of dungs are splat on their awfully admired faces. After that they'd be begging around the streets to collect enough funds to go for plastic surgery to paste one fake face in order not to be recognised by others. Meanwhile, patience is the key. Cheh! I guess telling 8/19 of one story would make them look glamourous, who knows. Shouldn't we sympathise these people?

Almost everyone is looking forward for June Holidays and i wished i was one of them. But hell, holidays means death okay. We have to be bestfriends with textbooks for coming months no matter what. I'm glad we dont have to solemnly swear 'You jump, I jump' to the horrifying pile of books.

I think I have an enormous gigantic crush of Mr _, because not only my girlfriends think he's cute and nice. That makes me smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

2008-05-08T17:05:00.002+08:00

Sooner or later we'll be looking back on everything,
and we'll laugh like we knew what was happening all along.
And someday,
we might listen to what people have to say.
But for now, we'll make it by learning the hard way.

Hello, world! I know this girl who is tired of falling for his words, but he keeps pulling her back in. There's sweet things she'll never want to let go, or people who she'll never want to leave behind. But she couldn't risk the very last piece of heart that she currently owns. Because she thought this whole deal was all about being special, having someone to think you're the only one to be concerned about. But hell, I've told her that nothing in this world will be as heavenly as imagined. When she realises it too late, all she blamed was his midnight calls. Sorry is just a five-letter word to make complicated things simple. Promises is just a three syllable word that never hold any defination that is meaningful enough. Yes, love bear darts.

When someone often accompany you to get shakes every morning, goes to the diner or movies with you after classes, and walks you home at midnight after one party, he'll know all about you more than you'll ever know yourself. That is the greatest weapon he owns to tear your heart apart.

Oh, well so far i have not encounter the toughest-killer paper in life. I personally think the government have a mission to damage its young citizens brains, having what, twelve real deathly questions in two half hours for us to attempt. This whole thing hurts the bum muscles. How i wish i rule the world, oh well. Wishes and dreams are for five year olds, when their lives are all about getting impressed whenever they see the rainbow after one humid rain.

I broke a record of not eating a full meal for five consecutive days. Tomorrow you shall see another Nicole Richie/Mary-Kate Olsen in school, why not? To be pretty, you have to be skinny. I want to be pretty because people will not meddle with your heart clumsily. I want to be pretty because people would be afraid that you'd let go.
I want to be pretty because I dont want people to regret the choice they make. People in this generation no longer look at what you think or do that make them chuckle because you come off a little too cute.

Whoever have six dollars in their pockets, feel free to get me a slice of Oreo Cheesecake? Maybe it can heal the wound. Thankyou verymuch :)

2008-04-30T22:26:00.002+08:00

Shit I miss someone real badly
someone who doesnt care, really
because in life you only deserve one guy's attention
or maybe lesser.

well he should be happy now shouldnt he
and i should be happier for that too
- i'm smiling, trust me.

2008-04-28T11:54:00.002+08:00

Before you go to bed tonight
Place your fist on your chest and pray
That I will be happy wherever I am
Because I do the same pretty thing
Though we're twelve hours away.

It sorta moved me when I heard the Kindness quote of the week. It got me thinking, do people these days stop and think about what actually matter to others? Personally I think I fall under the group of people who doesn't, in some cases. Take for instance my daily habit - littering. I litter everywhere I like, if the trashcan isn't two metres away from my feet and left the weak old auntie to crack her backbones and bend before picking it up and discarding it in the trashcan. Why can she travel more than five metres to dispose trash when I, probably has ten times more capability to travel five metres faster without groaning, refuse to? I come to realise the smallest littlest things do make a difference. Its better to give then to receive.

And while the other children in South Africa are having trouble just to find one bit of grain from the ground, alot more kids complain about their daddy not wanting to spend over twenty million dollars for their Super Sweet Sixteen. People who can easily zap their daddy's credit card when they purchase a thousand two dollars Lalvatore Ferrogamo handbag or Chanel heels when others in poverty cried helplessly when they lost half a penny. And there we go, placing Botox in every area of skin when we're fairly pretty and beautiful while the sixteen year olds in poverty areas are facing skin diseases due to the high exposure under the sun and they are still smiling and not doing anything about it because they're happy that they're still surviving. the thing I admire about these people is that, they love life for how it is unlike us who are still searching ways to Rehab.
(But still, Paris paris paris!)

Yes I know I can neatly highlight the bad attitudes of the more fortunate ones. But to any of you who reads To Kill A Mockingbird, maybe you get my point. They're still plenty of them who doesnt have wealth but their behaviour is as stinky as my feet!

Shit I wish I have a time turner which I can happily merrily joyfully spin the clock so that I can sleep for 987654321 hours.

2008-04-24T19:19:00.019+08:00

life will be great
if we give people a piece of our mind.
but life will be greater
if we give people a piece of our heart.

I guess someone have to get me an alarm clock with high frequency sound as soon as possible so that latecoming will be improved. This week was completely out of hand, i mean who in the world come late for freaking three days in a row (Apart from my Thursday because I didnt attend school) and ruined her latecoming-free mission of the year? To my astonishment, Raymond Seah made me swear i wouldnt come in late for the fourth time. I think he's mental. To recall, I have plenty of sleep this whole week. Weird i know.

also, i am superly furious about things happening in the family. should'nt elaborate much here but one day atikahsyahirah will save the world and by tomorrow, they will speak with their noses. *scratches head. my point is, they will learn their lesson.

i admire my mom for enduring such things since young. see how much she persevered, thats why i love her! whats the point of having a sister if she regards you an enemy? its okay mom, you have us now. :D

I know its like one week ago but here are pictures for you to look at. :)

This is the perfect example of stepsachok.

This Minah Hawaii calls me Minah Paris because when she gets married her wedding costume would be a pair of sexy hot bikini. Kan?

I swear none of you could survive standing next to any of them - freaking hot babes!

The Pockymonster Brother. He bets anything with Pocky, even my birthday gift from his was Pocky! Pocky Crazy la this boy. Sitting next to him for one night can make you go mental.

nabilsyafiq. one thing i will remember clearly about him even when i leave school is that he was the boy who pours 100 kg of chilli in my bag of siew mais.

All of them are my loveeeeeeeeee.

Ferrrrrrrrerro Rocherrr :D

Inilah the two POA prosss. Buat POA taknak kalah lor.

Primary school buddies.

This girl is very popular everywhere she goes because she is my supergirlfriend for nine years! She gilagila also I love her to tiny bitssss.

Urshula Joey Spemann who is jealous of me because i know all the hotties in the whole wide world! lol, she's my girlfriend my bestfriend and my everything. also she gives perfect assistance in fashion.

no words could describe the insanity of this two added together.

i see my english sucks today. well it sucked almost any other day.
ok you people be happy for midyear! :D

2008-04-13T13:38:00.003+08:00

i think about how i used to look at a sky like this,
and it would make me feel small and insignificant.
and tonight as i look at the stars,
i realize that i am starting
to know my place among them.

I wasn't upset because of the whole thing. I guess I was more upset on how I thought i can give revolting shotbacks to her proving that i can still make my way up despite her unpleasant gossips that spreads like wildfire in my family. but oh well, i figured out that i should not get too carried away in this 'competition'. after all, if you believe you're are the winner, at the end of the day you are. honestly, why should I bother? I love all the people that keep me motivated :)

Flea was fun, though we don't gain much income. Wait, let's put it this way. I don't gain anything at all. Laugh out loud till you chin drops, I don't care. the day was nice because we can sit and stare at our eyecandies for six hours! now we learnt that everyone in this world no longer wear coloured skinnies, because they are more captivated with those rainbow (one side is one colour and the other side one another) ones. i thought noone in the sane world would don themselves with such ridiculous things but it turned out that i am living in a world full of insane people, dont you think? how wacky, and scary! i think they should start a fashion organisation who arrest fashion ruiners. anyway, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. who am I to condemn?

why do people talk about dreams? i mean, by talking about dreams doesnt mean its occurance is definate. it takes more than my whole lifetime to chase after my dreams because my dreams are just too far away. everyone's talking about love, but flirts with practically almost anyone and end up screwing them. that's love? but which one? i am still trying to figure out why should we live besides chasing for dreams, searching for everlasting love hoping for constant happiness.

i want to build a treehouse, and spend my whole time with a cup of hot chocolates and marshmellows during the next Winter. So by Spring, I can be thrilled with the beauty of impressing colours nature provides. And maybe to see you again.

2008-04-10T18:41:00.002+08:00

And now I'm really really really starting to hate the fact that i'm not born with beautiful looks. or born with a surname Hilton or Carlton or MILLER. because then, i'd get what i've been wanting to do.

man it sucks to think about it. i know i shouldnt grieve over spilt juice.
i'm just upsettttttttttttttttttttt okay. i thought i wouldnt, because at the first place i didnt want to. media piss the hell out of me! esp KC.

well i should accept the fact that i have no talent. bye.
i'm starting to get over it, i guess.
:)

2008-04-08T20:14:00.005+08:00

lost in this moment with you
i am completely consumed
my feelings so absolute,
there's no doubt.

(photo deleted by fazli)

I should have known, that even if i go for it i will come back empty handed. I should have known, that only pretty faces are highly selected to speak on television. I should have known, that after going for so many its, I will never ever be one of them. Don't even think about it. The moment I received the call my tummy tickled instantly. Because i know i stink like a dead fish along the roadside doing stuffs i thought i enjoyed doing. For some reasons, I find it hilarious now for going after it when at the first place i rejected the offer. Thankyou my love Fazli, my bestfriend Danish and mommy for thinking I have the capability to be one of the pretty faces on television. Yes, probably they don't have the weirdest hobby of biting fingernails, kan Nish? Maybe the other four do have more than what i have to offer. Still, I think I am already happy this way. :)

Because right, I own the sweetest girlfriends - Joey and Geraldine! They had this small party but its already complete with only both of them. Thankyou very much sweethearts.
(photo deleted by fazli)
Look how the entertained me with their happy birthday song! my phone kinda decide to be a bitch when i wanted to record it. i swear, they were impressingly cute singing the highpitched version.

i am going to treasure all the time i have during my days in jurongville because it will be the final period i'll be considered as a secondary school student. sherie and i talked about the hardpretty moments we used to go thru, esp being suspended from class last year. actually, i doubt most of you know about it because you're utterly deceived with our angel eyes. ROFLMAO (i learnt that from syai, ROFLMAO and i forgot what the heck that means)

you know how much it sucked to have an ulcer down your throat? it can bring tears to your eyes okay! cheh melodramatic.

anyway i think i'm going to be dead soon. examinations are here, to kill. pray i would survive. i love you all.

2008-04-06T18:40:00.009+08:00

UPDATED!

but when it rains, the past gets washed away, and then
she smiles 'cause she knows in the end
the world gets beautiful, beautiful again.

And when i was dozing off around midnight (but i denied to him i was actually on the phone with Faz), Danish woke me up with the phone call to wish Happy Birthday and then I couldnt get back to sleep. So today I gave myself a fascinating treat to clear all my 10 hours sleep debts. I hope its enough.

I swear I wouldnt wanna get my butts off that Skyride Luge thingy because I think being on Skyride is the closest feeling to having myself on Eiffel Tower! Ceh. Thankyou Muhammad Fazli for the enjoyable day yesterday! You glittered the day when i thought it will be suckish. Also, thankyou so much for the adorably Mango gifts. ILY :)

Thankyou very much Mommy for deciding to dine in at Swensens and present me with the Guess purse I wanted. I know she's the best, right!

Thankyou so much Dida, Danish, Dina, Afiq, Shafu, Ama, Sherie, Joey, Wani, Zulfikar, Shazzy, Nas, Azid, Surita, Huda, Fara, Ikin, Mirulnites, Atiqah, Aliffah, Shafiqah, Shortt, Atira, Raihan, Ahmad, Nabilsyafiq, Syai, Ange, Amni, Ly and etcetcetc for the gifts and wishes. Siapesiape termiss out? Oh, thankyou Mansur, for the birthday song that makes me paiseh because the whole world can hear. (I know you're proud of it to see me blush like hell) :)

I think it'll be so much funner with my girls around.

Many many thanks to Sherie, Wani, Lala, Liyana, Ying Nam, Sadik! They told me about their attempt to search for an eiffel tower miniature and the salesperson gave them a towel from paris! but still, i like the paris notebook they got for me :)
Sherie took like 987654321 pictures when they were wearing the bikini top for me. But here are some pictures anyway.

Ooooh lalaaaaa, and the ultra sexy card.

Yes, I like Hong Wei's gift too. He said he put alot of effort in capturing a fly/bee for me. Nice try, little boy. Whenever i see your face, i always knew that you only come close to me to frighten. Nevertheless, that was nice of you, wasn't it? (Read my sarcasm.)

*i know you cant stand the ugliness in the pictures above. bare with it cause its just the ones i have*

2008-03-30T21:33:00.002+08:00

you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back.
you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
these are some good times, so take a good look around.
you may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

If I found a million dollars by my front pouch, I will immediately call the airport and head to Paris! If I found a million dollars by my front pouch, I will produce atikahsyahirah cintavalentineparker's perfume bottled up in a crystal glass decorated with shimmering stars. Maybe the kinda perfume madonna talks about. If I found a million dollars, I will purchase that goddamn convertible and bring my girls (yes, joey ofcourse!) head hollywood! If only i found a million dollars, life is heaven. But life's worth much more than a million dollars, i know.

What makes life's blissful is - love. Importantly, love among family members because they have been the ones you first see each time you open your eyes, and the last people you see when you close them. They see your frustration and your sorrow no matter how hard you try to reveal the unpleasant emotions. We dont normally appreciate their presence until they're gone. I don't wish to face regret later, for i realised that i love my family to bits and pieces even if most of the time they annoy. I have to understand my Mom acts as a walking radio but I know deep inside she loves me. She wouldn't have gotten me pretty stuffs if she doesn't, aite?

However, now i have opened my eyes big enough to notice that even close relatives could harm you. You thought that maybe they could be trusted but ironically, they behave like enemies behind your backs. mommy faced it once upon a time, now i have to face the situation as patiently as she did. well, anyway i know i have loveable sisters who loves me as much like nad and kak ni :)
i love both of you caaaaaaaan.

there will always be a guy who enters a lady's heart. i am sure that all of you had known, muhammad fazli has been the one that shades every day of my life with more enhancing colours. i apologise if we had a hard time recently, and i thankyou so much for making me very content today. you found my happiness in beautiful roses. sayang kamu with seluruh heart and soul.

friends, i should not forget, because they seem to have the ability to abstract my displeasure and ugly emotions from myself and keep me away from thinking about it. they lighten up my days with alot of entertainments, make me feel that i'm one lucky girl who owns the prettiest and nicest people around. thankyou friendsssssssss. i miss tons of people, from my bandmates to the people that have gone away from singapore. i love you tons!

this post is about appreciating anything before you loses everything.

with love,
atikahsyahirah.

2008-03-19T19:41:00.002+08:00

prettiest fascinating moments
we shared them like no other
time waits for no one
but love waits till forever.

Did I mention to you how much History had caused my life to be 123456789 times more miserable than it actually is? why would our ancestors solve problems by wars? Don't you think its the upmost childish solution? If not so, we wouldn't be struggling to squeeze all the immature facts in our oatbrains (that is if you're brain is the size of mine, if not replace the word "oatbrain" with something more fascinating) and strain our palms to write two and a half paged essays about it. Not to mention that it is the main reason why i think i wont do well in o levels. stupid stalin, and hitler and whoever in the past that had made studying difficult.

I could have sworn I nearly piss in my pants watching the third drama of True Singapore Ghost Stories Volume two. Although we could pretty much figure out that the play was at some cheap place in one part of malaysia, the girls made me scream my lungs out and at the same time giggle non stop. We had the most freaaaaaaaaky encounter when we head home around late evening at seven. But i guess it was due to our paranoia.

I miss my darling Ama because i think she's the only one who still care to love. Cheh! She make me jealous by getting herself an acer notebook. I spared three lines for her because she gave me motivation today, thats why i love her :)

Well I guess their tool of living would be pretence and deception. I don't get the reason what's the need to hide the truth, when unrevealing it would cause more hurt than knowing the actual thing. you shouldnt have lied, my dear, because what i'm looking at is sincerity. maybe i'm more of a romancitist, and it is very hard to handle and please such person. just so you know, pretence just dont work. you have to know how to unleash truths from your lips for us to make it far, and everlasting.
oh and, i am amazed on how simple it is for you to find a subsituition.

Sesungguhnya aku tidak berkuasa untuk dirindui, mahupun merindu. Biarlah hanya detik-detik indah ini bermain di kotak fikiran seperti pita rakaman berulang siarannya. Kepastian kasih kita tidak pernah didefinasikan di kamus cinta mereka. Kenyataan yang membuai perasaan ini hanya dibukukan di dalam jiwa hingga akhir masa. Terima kasih sayang.

Emosi pulak tikos today! takpe la. bye :)

2008-03-12T13:08:00.007+08:00

you're always saying how hard it is to listen
everytime the ladies shed tears
but do you know you're apparently the reason
we no longer believe in promises.

Honestly, i never ever think that the chalet was fun. Reason because there are people who were painfully childish with unpleasant character. It's worse than facing all the villants from every superhero movies. There's a full long 10 kilometres list on why am i dissatisfied on. My level of endurance has reached its maximum and i believe that sometime later might explode right infront of their smackable faces so i can continue this lovely life that they're jealous of, with serenity. Yeah, a life full of wonderful friends who created unlimited laughters along with me. My life which consists of pretty elements that never once existed in yours. Well, you think i can fly off to Paris way before she could work in a bank? The way they assure that knowing I take a temporary 5days part-time job at Mcdonalds. We will only be interested if they take in sixteen year olds for a job in banks. Cleaners, maybe? who knows.

I'm apologise if it is hard for any of my readers, but i think your bitterly cynical attitude would disgust the people around you. I can tell, no wonder each member in your family do not have a life. Trust me, deep inside I sympathise because you never taste success or anything nice. Because all you do is trying so hard to bring me down. I guess you've gotta try harder, because i am not falling but continue to feel annoyed. I am superly ashamed that i am bloodrelated to sickly people. Sorry i am a bloody hellish wicked evil witch today, because i never have the chance to display my displeasure since Mommy says that having our lips sealed will be the best option.

I love the man in the above picture. He never fail to make an average typical day special each time i'm right next to him. Even though he dislike to listen to my supposedly fascinating stories if i were at paris, he still entertains them. Even though he never keep our first promise since fifteen months ago, he had successfully make myself save more water. Even though he still owes me another ten bars of kinder bueno, he smells good because he's using my favourite scent. Even though he promised a meetup today and end up playing takraw, he made me think of the adorable lollipop he gave. I owe him so much for making me stand when i am drowning in frustration when 123456789 aggravating crisis occur recently. Ok can i kiss him now? cheh.

rihanna and chris brown. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dont tell me they're together just yet. Not before i get to (fill in the blanks) with him! =o

I understand that my stories do not put you to the mood. That is because i have new bestfriends. They are my chemistry and physics books and some mathematics revision worksheeets. So long fluxters :D

2008-03-07T19:25:00.002+08:00

we still have to put one foot in front
of the other, even though we might not know where
we shall head.
and where we will be in moments to come.

Atikahsyahirah has declared that she will be giving up for O levels. Yes, with the big huge H sitting across her forehead stating that she's a hopelessist. I told this to Furqan this morning and he replied with the annoying look,"What, you wanna be a loser?" I crossed my lips and sighed.

Reminiscing, I used to be a brilliant English student who consistently scored a perfect A in every records. Okay maybe being placed in the advanced class in British Council which produce painfully chickenfeet worksheets, my teacher said I had it. But oh no, the figure 2.5 over 25 seem to expose the overly contradict statement the nice oldlady from london mentioned. I swore I could have bury myself six feet under and start crying, but I guess staying cool would be the best choice.

I honestly wonder what had gone wrong, and how should I start things all over again. Staying up late to ensure that I understand the freakingly horrifying formulaes and definations didnt work out the way it did to the rest of my fellow buds. I mean, hearing the jocks in class only revised early in the morning appoximately two hours before the frigging test and nailed 18 for 20, kept me questioning whether I even belong to the Express stream, or maybe worst, whether I even have a well-functioned brains like normal people do for I doubt I scored half of the passing mark. Toasted.

Now i see the wicked world. I replied to Furqan, matter of factly, that this world there's only winners and losers. 'But winners are also losers, cause winners win in somethings they can do and lose to somethings they can't.', he stated. Oh well, I'm refering to how they can be winners to overcome all the major obstacles that head one way, and whether they are winners in life. Winning in life doesn't mean failures don't occur. Can I be a winner in my life?

Let's see. Scoring barely 3 to 4 for both Sciences and Combined Humanities, I guess I am a loser after all. I've said it there, I'm a loser indeed. Thanks Furqan for trying to motivate.

It didnt occur to me giving up would be as simple as this.
And Mdm Tan has been right all along, I'm hopelesssssssssssss.

Oh anyway I shall wait for something to shine my dark and bleak future.
Well let's not hope too much. There's only 5% inspiration from the player. I'm trying very hard to save water now, which means I have to stop all these tears from falling.

2008-03-04T21:27:00.005+08:00

i guess we are who we are for a lot of reaons.
and maybe we'll never know most of them.
but even if we don't have the power to choose
where we come from, we can still choose
where we go from here.

So far the week hasn't been so bad, but still there's still remnants of the sickly depressing feeling in me that made me cry in buses and trains, and at halls where people start photographing me with tears. (I'm refering to the little girl Shamira, if she reads my blog.) I have no idea whats gotten into me. Then there's this annoying guy who bites my skin and left a little red dot right above my left cheek. But what hurts most is the thing that beats against the chest. ok no emotalk

if i could i would make hundred hours per day, hundred days per week, and hundred weeks per year so the world would start slowing down. if i could i would make the sunshine shine hundred times as bright, so bright that noone would be live in complete darkness to move forward in life. if i could i would revive back all the pleasantly fond memories of the small little talks and chasing around the gardens. if i could i would, be the first soul to catch a star and bring it down to Earth to lighten young pretty souls. If I could I would, be the reason to make you smile. If I could, I would.

i could have sworn the essence of chicken really forces the vomit out of my throat. the stench never leave my nostrils (i dont know how it got there, but it got there) and you no longer have to slap yourself just to keep yourself awake during classes.

Sometimes, you have to know that you're stronger than yesterday, and tomorrow you shall be twice as strong as today. because thats when you realise that no man is worth the tears. relationships can be worth fighting for, really but you cant be the only one who's fighting for the best of it. you need to know that sometimes, you're also worth fighting for. you soon have to realise that if they don't, you have to bring yourself to believe that what you're giving is way more than what they're willing to give. eventually they have to see the pretty things that have been there and hold on to whats real. but they say love is something you should continue to fight for, until you realise you cant fight anymore. thats what someone will come and make you believe you're a strong person, hopefully.

i love my boyfriend because he loves to find my ugly faults, like making up stories about me not shampooing my hair and tell the whole wide world in the train. i think he can join crew with his bestfriend now, the mat malaysia :)

step up to the streets is very nice, i'm falling in love with him.

2008-02-29T20:31:00.004+08:00

In the name of love,

I'M SORRY SAYANG, I LOVE YOU :)

My sources of happiness went into the trashcan.
Yeah, the six bar of kinderbuenos and a bouquet of flowers.

2008-02-25T20:20:00.001+08:00

austere, black, bleak, blue, comfortless, dark, dejected, dejecting, depressed, desolate, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, dispiriting, dolorous, drab, draggy, drearisome, dreary, dull, forlorn, funereal, gloomy, grim, jarring, joyless, melancholy, miserable, mopey, mournful, oppressive, sad, somber, sorrowful, sullen, tenebrific, uncomfortable, unhappy, wintry, woebegone, woeful

That's all the words that could pretty much describe how i feel.

Hopefully the once happy little girl doesn't cease to exist in this Earth.
Pray hard. Real hard

2008-02-21T21:54:00.003+08:00

There will be some day
The stars will stop to shine
The butterflies will cease to make you smile
But hadn't you wish that you
Had just not surrender.

I believe that it had been 987654321 years since i updated because i have a sudden realization that i have lotsa piles of work to be done before holidays. Maybe I'm doing this because there is a vast number of people who doesn't seem to believe in me, and demotivating me at the same time. Yes, they don't think I'm smart enough which of course probably could be true. -shrugs- Still, i still feel that I should continue being a happy little girl who laughs hysterically at her own absurdly lame jokes.

Even though I used to stumble upon every move that I make, doesn't mean it applies to how I am going to lead this life. It doesn't matter how you fall, but the boldness to stand up again that makes life blissful, isn't it? There would be times when people think you don't have the ability and power to complete every task you believe you could manage. But then again you once thought that the demotivating words from the people you love most could bring you down, try singing Christina's awesomely motivating song - Words don't bring me down, and then the inspiration will rise again. :)

I swear my unacceptable behaviour of whining over the slightest things which didn't occur my way is getting out of hand. Now you see the typical girl in atikahsyahirah who constantly smothers people who eventually would smack ten kg of dung on her smackable face. Despite my unvaringly, provokingly attempt to make people postulate on my emphasism of not being a typical girl who you could get their cell digits on streets, my used-to-be frind of mine never think that way and made a statement, which made me really angry :/ And then Ahmad goes 'Ayooooh, atikah dah tak UNIQUELY CUTE'. A great exaggeration with stupid expression was applied on the phrase uniquely cute, the best example of the most annoying boy.

Paris is a city full of wonderful designers who could create fascinating designs, a city that contain the famous labels. Don't you see most of the products has the word Paris, still visible if you're a sixteen year old like me unless you have an eyesight of a 60 year old grandmother, right below the label. Just hoping on my fantasies to see my designs displayed across the glass of atikahsyahirah cvp's boutique. But I see I'm not smart enough, you know. Also, Paris holds the most romantic spot in the universe - Eiffel Tower. Like in the movies and novels, a happy ending will clichely be at scenes by the beach near the sunset or whatsoever. But you think this someone will twist the happy ending of our story by having it un-cliche-ly at Eiffel Tower? Well, not even a sweet pink heart shaped muffin or a beautifully bloomed red rose should be hoped for.

Okay la enough about this crap. Afraid this undeniably sickening fella who continue to make unpleasant statement which can make me more angry and then i'll explode like the hulk because of my maximum rage level.

anyway i love y'all for entering this shit blog which belongs to someone who ..
nothing! bye.